Words You Can’t Call Trump
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Words You Can’t Call Trump


THAT AFTER THE SHOW.>>ALL RIGHT.>>Jimmy: PRESIDENT TRUMP KICKED OFF HIS 2020 COMEDY TOUR LAST NIGHT IN ORLANDO. HE HAD A CAMPAIGN RALLY. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AT THE AMWAY CENTER. THERE WERE MORE RED HATS AND DIRTY BEARDS THAN AT AN UNSANCTIONED SANTA CONVENTION. THE STADIUM CROWD HAD A CAPACITY OF 20,000, WHICH TRUMP CALLS IT A MILLION. IT WAS FULL. MANY WERE SAYING THE ATMOSPHERE WAS LIKE A MUSIC FESTIVAL. AND IT WAS LIKE A MUSIC FESTIVAL, SPECIFICALLY THE FYRE FESTIVAL. ELVIS PUT ON QUITE A SHOW. TRUMP WAS ON FIRE, AT LEAST HIS PANTS WERE. HE JUMPED FROM LIE TO LIE, HOT TOPIC TO HOT TOPIC LIKE JOY BEHAR ON ADDERALL. MAKE NO MISTAKE, THIS PRESIDENT IS A MAN WITH A LOT OF PLANS.>>WE WILL PUSH ONWARD WITH NEW MEDICAL FRONTIERS. WE WILL COME UP WITH THE CURES TO MANY, MANY PROBLEMS, TO MANY, MANY DISEASES, INCLUDING CANCER AND OTHERS. AND WE’RE GETTING CLOSER ALL THE TIME. WE WILL ERADICATE AIDS IN AMERICA ONCE AND FOR ALL. AND WE’RE VERY CLOSE. WE WILL LAY THE FOUNDATION FOR LANDING AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS ON THE SURFACE OF MARS.>>Jimmy: THAT’S RIGHT. THIS IS QUITE AN AGENDA. HE’S PLANNING TO CURE CANCER, AND I THINK HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SENDING AIDS TO THE MOON OR MARS OR SOMETHING? THIS WOULD BE A LOT OF SCIENTIFIC PROGRESS FROM A GUY WHO STARED DIRECTLY INTO A SOLAR ECLIPSE, BUT IT IS TRUE HE IS CLOSE TO ERADICATING AIDS IN AMERICA. HE’S ALREADY ERADICATED ALL THE AIDES HE HIRED TO WORK FOR HIM AT THE WHITE HOUSE. AND THAT’S A START. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HE’S GOING TO CURE CANCER, WHY EVEN BOTHER CURING CANCER, WHY NOT JUST DENY CANCER EXISTS LIKE YOU DO EVERYTHING ELSE. TRUMP ALSO UNVEILED A NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN. AFTER TWO AND A HALF YEARS ONLY THE BEST PEOPLE PUT THEIR HEADS TOGETHER AND THIS IS WHAT THEY CAME UP WITH.>>YOU READY? KEEP AMERICA GREAT. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>Jimmy: THAT’S, YEAH. IT’S TERRIFIC. TAG, KEEP, AS IN KAG ME WITH A SPOON. I WAS HOPING FOR MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN AGAIN. THE PRESIDENT WASN’T ALONE ON STAGE. HE GOT A ROUSING INTRO FROM HIS WIFE, LAUNTSMELANIA WHO SAYS SHS FORWARD TO BEING SENTENCED I MEAN ELECTED TO ANOTHER SIX YEARS IN THE WHITE HOUSE. DJTJ SHOWED UP TO REAM MIND US T HE ISN’T THE WORST DONALD TRUMP.>>YOU REMEMBER IN 2016 WHEN MY FATHER SAID WHY CAN’T WE HAVE 2%, WHY CAN’T WE HAVE 3%, WHY CAN’T WE DO BETTER, AND OBAMA COMES UP AND SAYS WELL, DONALD, THERE’S NO MAGIC WAND FOR THAT, WELL, ABRACADABRA, BUDDY, THERE IS A MAGIC WAND.>>Jimmy: CAN IT MAKE YOU DISAPPEAR? [ APPLAUSE ] HE IS GOING TO MAKE QUITE A POWERFUL SPEAKER WHEN HIS VOICE FINALLY DROPS. LIKE WHEN A KID MAGIC MARKERS ON A BEARD TO BE A HOBO FOR HALLOWEEN. DADDY TRUMP HAD SOME BIGLY WHOPPERS. HE SAID THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION WAS ILLEGAL, WHICH IT WASN’T. HE SAID WALL CONSTRUCTION IS MOVING VERY RAPIDLY, WHICH IT ISN’T. AIR QUALITY IS GETTING BETTER WHEN IT’S GETTING WORSE. HE CLAIMED AMERICA IS THE NUMBER ONE OIL PRODUCER. HE SAID AMERICA DOESN’T PAY FOR ITS TARIFFS. HE SAID HIS ADMINISTRATION PROTECTS PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS FOR HEALTH CARE WHICH THEY DON’T, AND HE CALLED IT THE GREAT STATE OF FLORIDA, WHICH IS DEBATABLE. THIS IS WHAT WAS GOING ON OUTSIDE THE AMWAY CENTER DURING THE TRUMP RALLY. HE WAS HOPING THERE’D BE A BIG CROWD OF PEOPLE HANGING AROUND TO WATCH HIS SPEECH ON THE GIANT VIDEO SCREEN LIKE THE WAY THE RAPTORS FANS DID IN THE NBA FINALS BUT NOT TOO MANY STAYED. THEY DID, HOWEVER, LEAVE A LOT OF GARBAGE BEHIND. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE WE’RE LOOKING AT THE FUTURE HERE? THAT WAS THE PERFECT VISUAL METAPHOR. ALL IT WAS MISSING WAS TED NUGENT. IT WAS A DAY FOR HOPE HICKS WHO APPEARED BEFORE THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. SHE WAS THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR AND VERY CLOSE TO TRUMP. NOW SHE WORKS FOR FOX. SHE ANGERED DEMOCRATS BY REFUSING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS RELATED TO THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY BUT IT DIDN’T REALLY MATTER WHAT SHE SAID OR DIDN’T SAY. THE IMPORTANT THING IS, WALKIN’ IN, SHE LOOKED GREAT.>>IT’S YOUR BIG DAY, AND YOU’RE NOT LETTING ANYTHING STAND IN YOUR WAY. NOT COLLUSION. NOT OBSTRUCTION. NOT SPLIT ENDS. LAWLESS? TRY FLAWLESS. ASSERT YOUR EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE. CONSPIRACY, BY HOPE HICKS. BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT.>>Jimmy: WELL, GOOD FOR HER. [ APPLAUSE ] AS THE HEARINGS RELATED TO THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION AND OBSTRUCTION RAMP UP, REPUBLICANS IN THE HOUSE HAVE COME UP WITH A LIST OF WORDS THEY DON’T WANT DEMOCRATS TO USE WHEN DESCRIBING THE PRESIDENT. FOR REAL. REPUBLICANS SENT THIS LIST OF NO-NO WORDS TO THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE. THESE ARE WORDS THEY SAY VIOLATE LONG-STANDING CONGRESSIONAL WORDS. WORDS LIKE CROOK, CON MAN, CORRUPTION, DEM GOING, DRAFT DODGER, THEY DON’T WANT THEM TO CALL HIM ANYTHING HE IS. WHICH IS VERY UNUSUAL. AND I WANTED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS. SO WE REACHED OUT TO THE RANKING REPUBLICAN ON THE COMMITTEE, AND HE JOINS US, PLEASE WELCOME HIM NOW. REPRESENTATIVE BILL FREDERICK OF MISSOURI. REPRESENTATIVE FREDERICK, THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE APPRECIATE YOUR TIME.>>HI, JIM, HOLD ON A SECOND, PLEASE. DIM WHIT, DINGDONG, DINGELL BERRY, DIPSTICK, DOUCHE BURGER, HERE WE GO, DUMBASS.>>Jimmy: THAT ALL THE THINGS YOU DON’T WANT THEM CALLING THE PRESIDENT?>>NO, THIS IS A THROUGH F. FAILURE, FASCIST, FIRE, FOOL, FRAUD. >>Jimmy: WHY FIRE?>>FIRE, FIRE, FIRE, FIRE. FIRE COMMA, DUMPSTER. ALSO ON D. I FILED IT BOTH WAYS.>>Jimmy: I GOT YOU, IT’S AN ALPHABETICAL THING.>>I STARTED OUT TRYING TO CATEGORIZE BY CATEGORY, RACISM, SE SENILITY. IT GOT TOO COMPLICATED.>>Jimmy: WHERE DO ALL THESE WORDS COME FROM?>>BRAINSTORMING MOSTLY. WE SLSALSO HAVE A KID BRAINSTORG SOCIAL MEDIA. HERE WE GO, THIS IS WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. GRANDPA GRAB-ASS. >>Jimmy: OH, REALLY?>>SIR GROPES-A-LOT. OOM PA CALOOM PA. VLADIMIR PUMPKIN. THIS KIND OF LANGUAGE IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE.>>Jimmy: I AGREE, BUT CAN YOU REALLY STOP THE DEMOCRATS FROM USING THOSE WORDS?>>HAVE YOU EVER RAID THE CONGRESSIONAL RULES OF CONDUCT?>>Jimmy: NO.>>MEMBERS MAY NOT VERBALLY DENIGRATE THE PRESIDENT BY USING DEROGATORY LANGUAGE LIKE, WELL, HERE, McNUGGET BRAIN. BLOTUS, UNCLE SCAM, UNCLE YAM, ERIC’S DAD.>>Jimmy: OH, THAT ONE’S TOO MUCH. DONALD TRUMP, I WILL POINT OUT, CALLS PEOPLE MEAN THINGS ALL THE TIME. HE’S FAMOUS FOR IT. SO SURELY YOU COULD SEE HOW PEOPLE MIGHT CONSIDER THIS TO BE A DOUBLE STANDARD.>>NO. LOOK, I KNOW YOU HOLLYWOOD LIBERALS DON’T CARE FOR THIS PRESIDENT, OKAY?>>Jimmy: YEAH.>>I GET THIS, BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.>>Jimmy: IT ISN’T? CAUSE — >>NO, THIS IS ABOUT RESPECTING THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY. NO PRESIDENT OF EITHER PARTY SHOULD BE CALLED STUFF LIKE, WELL, HERE. MORE ONNALED McDONALD. PUTIN’S LABRADOODLE. MARA LARD ASS. SPANKY DOODLE. DONALD PLUMP, OLD FAITHFUL. HUMAN CHERNOBYL. GOOD OLD ORANGE PENIS.>>Jimmy: I THINK WE GET THE IDEA. BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR TIME. WE APPRECIATE IT. WE WILL BE BACK.

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