Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Puke Drummer
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Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Puke Drummer


[extended drum solo] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] It’s a lot more pressure than
playing the gong. That’s Kelvin, and he
really blew that drum solo. Too bad he wasn’t one of those
homeless bucket drummers. They can just turn
their instrument over anytime they feel queasy. In high school,
being in a band gets you laid, but being in the band
is like punting your virginity
till college. I’m all for cutting
school music programs. Why should millions of my
hard-earned tax dollars go to a bunch of
tuba playing slobs dressed like Cap’n Crunch? The truth is,
dorks only join the band because they don’t
like eating lunch alone. Plus an empty trombone case
is the perfect place to hide an assault rifle. And why are football stadiums
wasting 200 of the best seats
on the band? Fire up the Spotify
on the sound system and free up that section for people who actually
understand how the sport works. I say force the band
to march around in the bathrooms
during halftime. That’s where everyone is, and it will mask the sounds
of all the beer [bleep]. But if Kelvin wants a career
where the best he can hope for is being the guy who
pleads with the audience to laugh after Jimmy Fallon’s
painful punchlines, I’ll fly him to Hollywood, for this week’s Web Redemption. Were you rushing
or were you dragging? I wasn’t even playing. Technically that’s dragging. And if you dare
sabotage my band, I will [bleep] you
like a pig. Now, try it again. They’re drumsticks,
not chopsticks, you nauseating,
no-talent, [bleep] rag. Shouldn’t you be playing
a string instrument? I’ll find my tempo
out of one of you [bleep] if it takes
all goddamn night. Switch! Get out of my class! What did you think
of the movieWhiplash?I liked it. It’s kind of an obscure movie for us to parody, though, wouldn’t you agree? Not so much in terms of
the video and me, I guess. But how many people do you think
that watch my stupid show actually saw the movie
Whiplash?
– You’re right.
– Where you from? I’m from Montreal. How long ago was that video? Summer of 2008. – 2008?
– Yeah. Oh, wow. I can’t do math. You can probably help me. Let me talk about that
video for a second, First of all, who put it online? I put it online
a few years ago. – So well after the fact.
– Yeah. What made you
post it then? I guess I may have wanted
this–some girl’s attention. I like where this is going. You were interested in a girl
that digged puking. – No.
– Oh? That never– On my time. I played a solo– Not quite. Not quite, all right? I played my solo– Bull[bleep]. If Adebisi were here, he would skull [bleep]
you into next week. Go ahead. One, one, one,
one, one, one, one. – I’m so lost.
– Kelvin! Did you like Calvin and Hobbes,
Kelvin? No, not really, because my
name’s not Calvin, it’s Kelvin. I don’t know what you
want me to say. Seriously. So tell me what happened
in that video. It was a summer band camp. Being a tour band, whenever we would
have to eat, we would typically
not have much time and rush to eat. So anyway, everybody got their
usual crappy food that comes in boxes
and stuff. Sure. But since it was
the final concert, they said that they would
treat the staff to fast food. Whoa, okay, so normally
it’s awful food, and now you got to step up
to fast food. – Exactly.
– Wow, that is terrifying. But I didn’t want
just any fast food. I wanted, like,
the royal fast food. What did you get over there
at Burger King? ‘Cause you can have it your way. I got a big Whopper. You had a Whopper.
That’s disgusting. Then you had to wolf it down. And already
at the intermission, I knew I wasn’t
feeling so good, but it didn’t matter, because my piece
was coming up, and I had to do it, after throwing up
from the solo, I threw up way more
outside of the theater. What?
Did anybody film this? No, but there’s a photo. Ah, can we get that photo? – You can.
– Thank you. (Kelvin)
And the next day at lunch, I threw up everywhere. What is going on with you? It was a huge, like,
just plate–tray of vomit. Have you gone to a doctor? I think you have real problems. Just a bit of weak stomach. Were your parents
in attendance? My mom was there, yeah. Oh, thank goodness your
father wasn’t there. He would have had to
kill himself because of the shame
you brought to the family. Do you attribute
your natural rhythm to having a black guy’s
first name? I would not say I do. Do you hit the skins for
the hell of it, or for the yell you get, or mm, mm, mm,
for the smell of it? I’d say for the mm, mm, mm
of it. Kelvin, thanks to me, you’re ready
for the most prestigious gig a percussionist
can ever hope for: a gig on the Vegas strip. You really think
I have what it takes? No, but we’re talking about
a city where watching
a pilled-up Britney Spears lip-synching hits
from 10 years ago is considered a good show. Good point. You haven’t been before? You guys are in trouble. (male announcer)
Ladies and gentlemen. They’re part percussion,
part fetish porn. The sickest drummers
on the strip, the Flu Man Group. Start the show. [dramatic percussion] ♪ ♪ [retching] [laughs] Why aren’t you puking? Let it out! Elvis is dead again. You got a little–
you got a little– This is your big break! Let it out! Puke. Puke! Kelvin. Hit me. Damn it. I got bad seats again. I’m completely dry. Ugh. [bleep] you, StubHub. That ought to quench your puke
appetite for a few weeks,

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