Tiffany Haddish Monologue – SNL
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Tiffany Haddish Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TIFFANY
HADDISH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪>>WOO!
THIS IS AN AMAZING NIGHT. I’M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM A MOVIE CALLED “‘S GIRLS TRIP”.
QUEEN LATIFAH, JADA PINKETT SMITH, REGINA HALL, AND ME,
TIFFANY HADDISH. NOW, OUR MOVIE MADE OVER $100
MILLION PLUS. OKAY?
I’M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE IS MY CUT OF THE MONEY?
I HAVE NOT SEEN IT AT ALL YET. MY FRIENDS TELL ME YOU ARE BIG
TIME. YOU BALLING, OUT OF CONTROL.
I’M LOOKING AT MY BANK ACCOUNT, HUH-UH.
THEY WERE LIKE GOOGLE YOURSELF. SHE WHERE YOU ARE AT IN LIFE.
SO I GOOGLE MYSELF. IT SAID I WAS WORTH $2 MILLION.
$2 MILLION? WHERE IS THIS MONEY?
I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT’S AT. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR IT.
I CAN’T FIND IT. I WAS LIKE, MAN, DO I NEED TO
FAKE MY OWN DEATH? DO I HAVE TO TUPAC THIS AND THEN
LIVE ON TYLER PERRY ISLAND?
DIDN’T KNOW TYLER PERRY HAD AN ISLAND.
BEFORE GIRLS TRIP I GREW UP IN FOSTER CARE.
I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO PAID TAXES BETWEEN 1990 AND
1999, BECAUSE WITHOUT YOUR TAX DOLLARS I WOULDN’T BE STANDING
HERE. SO THANK YOU.
PLASTIC APPLAUSE I LIVED IN A LOT OF GROUP HOMES.
MY FAVORITE SHOW GROWING UP WAS “SNL”.
IT WAS MY FAVORITE THING TO WATCH.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO CONVINCE A BUNCH OF
BLACK AND HISPANIC KIDS TO WATCH “SNL” OVER “IN LIVING COLOR”.
AND TRY TO CONVINCE THEM THAT DANA CARVY IS JUST AS FUNNY AS
DAMON WAYANS WAS A PROBLEM. I GOT STABBED TWO TIMES N A BUNK
BED. I HATE BUNK BEDS THIS DAY.
I DON’T MESS WITH THEM. THEY STARE ME.
THEY TOLD ME I COULD TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON IN THE
WORLD. POLITICS, HOT TOPICS.
HERE’S THE TRUTH. I DON’T KEEP UP WITH THE NEWS
LIKE THAT. ALL MY NEWS COMES FROM THE
BEAUTY SHOP. I GET ALL MY NEWS FROM WHEN I GO
GET MY HAIR DONE. WHEN I WAS IN THE BEAUTY SHOP,
WE TALK ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS WE TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, AND WE
SAY THINGS LIKE WHO IS DOING DONALD TRUMP’S WIG?
HIS LACE FRONTS ARE LOOKING TO HAVE CHAIN.
HIS HAIR IS KILLING IT. WHAT KIND OF GLUE IS HE USING?
IT DOESN’T EVEN MOVE IN THE WIND NO MORE.
THAT IS A GOOD WIG. WE HAVE ALSO BEEN TALKING ABOUT
THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT STUFF THAT’S BEEN GOING ON.
HERE’S A TIP FROM TIFFANY. THIS IS TIFFANY’S TIP FOR ALL
THE MEN OUT THERE. OKAY?
IF YOUR THING IS OUT, AND SHE GOT ALL YOUR CLOTHES ON, YOU’RE
WRONG. YOU ARE IN THE WRONG!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WAIT UNTIL SHE TAKES HER OWN
CLOTHES OFF. THEN PULL YOUR THING THING OUT.
OKAY? [ LAUGHTER ]
SPEAKING OF MEN IN THE WRONG, I SHOT A MOVIE THIS PAST SUMMER
WITH KEVIN HART. KEVIN CAME UP TO ME AT WORK ONE
DAY AND SAID, TIFFANY, YOU HAVE BEEN TO
THAILAND, CHINA, JAPAN, FLORIDA, TEXAS, SAN FRANCISCO, LOS
ANGELES, YOU DID ALL THAT IN ONE DAY?
I WAS LIKE NO, KEVIN IT TOOK ME TWO YEARS TO GO TO ALL THOSE
PLACES. HE WAS LIKE REALLY, BECAUSE I
WENT ON YOUR INSTAGRAM AND YOU WAS WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT IN
ALL OF THOSE DIFFERENT PLACES. THAT’S WHY I CAN’T STAND THE
INTERNET BECAUSE IT’S MESSING WITH MY FASHION GAME.
I FEEL LIKE IF I PAY GOOD MONEY FOR SOMETHING I WEAR IT WHEREVER
I WANT TO WHENEVER I WANT TO. YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE THIS DRESS.
I WEAR IT ON THE RED CARPET FOR THE GIRLS TRIP MOVIE DEBUT.
EVERYONE SAID YOU CANNOT WEAR THAT DRESS ON “SNL.”
YOU ALREADY WORE IT. IT’S TABOO TO WEAR IT TWICE.
I SAID, I DON’T GIVE A DANG ABOUT NO TABOO.
IT COST MORE THAN MY MORTGAGE. BUT THIS IS A ALEXANDER McQUEEN
DRESS. IT IS A $4,000 DRESS.
I’M GOING TO WEAR THIS DRESS MULTIPLE TIMES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] NOW, YOU MIGHT SEE THIS DRESS IN
TWO SKETCHES TONIGHT. OKAY?
IF SOMEBODY INVITES ME TO A BAR OR A BAT MITZVAH, GUESS WHAT I’M
GOING TO WEAR, THIS ALEXANDER McQUEEN DRESS.
IF SOMEBODY INVITES ME TO AN ALL BLACK PARTY, GUESS WHEN I’M
WEARING. THIS ALL WHITE DRESS.
OH, AND IF A MAN ASKS ME TO MARRY HIM AGAIN — YES, I SAID
AGAIN. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED BEFORE.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SHOCKED LIKE TIFFANY, YOU WERE MARRIED
BEFORE? YES.
I’M A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. I MIGHT GET MARRIED TWO OR THREE
MORE TIMES. I MIGHT PULL A ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
IF A MAN ASKS ME TO MARRY HIM AGAIN, I’M WEARING THIS TO MY
WEDDING. ALL OF IT.
I MIGHT WEAR IT TO YOUR WEDDING. DON’T INVITE ME.
IF I DIE, WHICH I HOPE I NEVER DO, I HOPE I LIVE FOREVER.
IF I DIE AND EVEN IF I BECOME FAT AS HELL GUESS WHAT GOING TO
BE LYING ON TOP OF MY FAT ASS BODY IN THAT CASKET?
THIS DRESS. NOW, IF SOMEBODY INVITED ME TO A
BAPTIST CHURCH AND THEY SAY THEY WANT ME TO PARTICIPATE IN THE
PRAISE AND WORSHIP DANCE OH, I’M WEARING THIS DRESS TO THE CHURCH
AND I’M GOING TO DANCE MY BUTT OFF, BUDDY.
AND I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW I’M GOING TO DO IT.
BAND, KICK IT. ♪♪♪ YEAH, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A
GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. TAYLOR SWIFT IS HERE.
STICK AROUND. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK: I’M TIFFANY
HADDISH.

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