TF2P: An Intellectual Documentary on Valve Servers
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TF2P: An Intellectual Documentary on Valve Servers


[Announcer] Alert! The control point is being contested. [Soldier] I! Am! On! Fire! [Scout] Fire! Fire! Fire!
[Soldier] Medic! [Scout laughs hysterically] [Scout] Gotcha. [Soldier] Thanks! [Soldier] Thanks! [Soldier] Thanks! [soaringcheetah] Woooow. Nice.
[Soldier] Thanks! [Soldier] That Engineer is a Spy!
[soaringcheeta] This is a great idea. [Soldier] Thanks! [EaTroFKITTENS] It’s foolproof. [LazyPurple chuckles] [Engineer, slowed-down] Spiah sappin’ mah sentry! [dramatic music plays] [Engineer yells]
[dramatic music stops abruptly] # Mmm, whatcha saaaaaay
Mmm, that you… # [Splat!] [Heavy] Help! [Heavy] Go! Go! Go! [Heavy] Mooove! [EaTroFKITTENS] Jesus Christ, slow down. [Heavy] Go! [Heavy] Moooove!
[Announcer] Mission ends in ten… [EaTroFKITTENS] MasterDawn, Jesus Christ, slow down! [Announcer] Our control point is being captured. [Spy] But of course! [critical stab!]
[Demoman screams] [Announcer] Our control point is being captured. [Spy] Oh, please. [Announcer] Our control point is being captured.
[Scout] Fire! Fire! Fire! [Spy] Many thanks. [Announcer] Our control point is being captured. [Spy] Well, this was a disappointment. [Announcer] Alert! [Sniper] ‘preciate it.
[Other Sniper] Piece of piss! [Other Sniper] Nah!
[Sniper] Let’s go, mates! [Other Sniper] No!
[Sniper] Get bloody goin’! [Other Sniper] Nah!
[Sniper] Go go go! [Sniper] Nah! [Sniper] All right!
[Sniper] Get bloody goin’! [Announcer] -point is being contested. [Engineer] Spy sappin’ my sentry! [Demo] Medic! [Engineer] Spy sappin’ my sentry! [Engineer screams] [Other Engineer] Erectin’ a dispenser. [Heavy screams]
[Medic] Schnell! Go get zem! [Spy] Doctor! # -I’ve come throooough # (And we mean to go on and on and on and on…) # Weeeeeee are the chaaampions, my frie-# [Splat!] [Spy] Some assistance, please! [Spy] Help! [Heavy] NO! [Spy] I require assistance! [Heavy] Very well! Yes. [Spy] Many thanks. [Heavy] Go! [Spy] Let us move! [Spy] I’m afraid not.
[Heavy] Go! Go! Go! [Heavy] Go!
[Spy] Yes! [Heavy] Go! Go! Go! [voiceover] You probably thought this SPY was dead. Nope! Chuck Testa. [Announcer] The control point is being captured. [Scout] Medic!
[Announcer] The control point is being c- [Soldier] -the point! Maggots!
[Engineer] Hey boys, it’s a Spy! [ding!] [Announcer] The control point is being captured. [Scout] Yo, a lil’ help here? Medic! [Scout] Doc! C’mon, man! [Scout] Doc! C’mon, man! [Announcer] Alert! Our control point is being captured.
[Scout] Medic! [Scout] Medic! [Scout screams] [Engineer] You’re alright, Doc. [Announcer] The control point is being contested. [Scout] I got it, I got it! [BANG!]
[Scout screams] [Sniper] Thanks, mate. [tense battle music plays] [Splat!]
[Announcer] The control point is being captured. [Scout laughs hysterically] [Announcer] Alert! The final control point is being contested! [slap!]
[Left Spy] Well, the moment has passed.
[Right Spy] Yes! [Left Spy] That Spy is an enemy! [Left Spy] Slap my hand. [Announcer] Mission ends in 30 seconds. [Left Spy] Slap my hand. [critical stab!]
[Spy screams] [Spy] Slap my hand. [Other Spy] Of course! [Spy] But of course! [Other Spy] Yes.
[Spy] Help! [Spy] Help!
[Other Spy] I’m afraid not. [Announcer] Alert! The final control-
[Spy] At your pleasure, Doctor. [Spy] Place a dispenser! [Spy] It seems I am not the only Spy.
[Announcer] Five! Four! Three [Spy] Place a dispenser!
[Announcer] One! [Announcer] Victory.
[TF2 theme plays] [cheering/applause] [Spy] That Spy is not one of us!
[Other Spy] Superior shot. [Spy] That Spy is an enemy! [Other Spy] But of course. [Heavy screams] [Spy] Slap my hand. [Spy] Well played. [critical stab!]
[Scout screams] [Spy] Slap my hand. [Spy] Slap my hand.
[Announcer] Our intelligence has returned to our base. [Spy] Some assistance, please! [Spy] I require assistance! [Spy] Help! [Spy] Sentry just ahead. [Scout] No way!
[Announcer] Alert! The control point is being contested. [weird music/gibberish voices from that ‘Worker and Parasite’ segment from The Simpsons plays] [accordian music plays]
[Heavy] Help now! [Heavy] Help! [Heavy] Help now! [Soldier] That Heavy is a Spy!
[Heavy] Help me! [Soldier] Incoming! [Heavy] Help!
[Engineer] Help! [Engineer] Heeeeee-yaaah!
[Soldier] Heeeelp! [Heavy] Help now!
[Engineer] That Heavy’s a Spy! [Heavy] Help! [Engineer] Cowboy up!
[Heavy] Help me! [rap music starts]
Uh huh. It’s free-to-play. # What if every time you went to cap the point,
Your teammates won’t get out of the fucking spawn joint # Stop having high-fives, yeah I know it’s cool
But you’re looking like a taunt kiddy, Gibus-ridden fool # It’s not that hard to do, just stand on the glowin’ thing,
It’s like a team war, makes me wanna scream # If you see a sentry, don’t just run away,
Switch to Demo and blow that Engineer into the next day # We don’t need six Spies, we don’t need six Spies,
Put your hands up if you know we don’t need six Spies # No more Snipers, no more Snipers
Represent your homies and be Medics, not Snipers # If you’re free-to-play, I can look the other way
# But a Cloak and Dagger Spy? Say hello to the sky # Fuckin’ Phlogistinator? See ya fuckin’ later.
It’s W and 1-ing # What does THAT mean? Means that yer… just… Ah, forget it. Take it away. [Spy] No.

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