• Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Puke Drummer
    Articles,  Blog

    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Puke Drummer

    [extended drum solo] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] It’s a lot more pressure than playing the gong. That’s Kelvin, and he really blew that drum solo. Too bad he wasn’t one of those homeless bucket drummers. They can just turn their instrument over anytime they feel queasy. In high school, being in a band gets you laid, but being in the band is like punting your virginity till college. I’m all for cutting school music programs. Why should millions of my hard-earned tax dollars go to a bunch of tuba playing slobs dressed like Cap’n Crunch? The truth is, dorks only join the band because they don’t like eating lunch…

  • Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Buckcherry Wedding
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    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Buckcherry Wedding

    >>WHOO!>>♪ SCREAM SO LOUD GET [BLEEP] LAID YOU WANT ME TO STAY BUT I GOT TO MAKE MY WAY HEY ♪ ♪ YOU’RE A CRAZY BITCH BUT YOU [BLEEP] SO GOOD I’M ON TOP OF IT WHEN I DREAM ♪ ♪ I’M DOING YOU ALL NIGHT SCRATCHES ALL DOWN MY BACK TO KEEP ME RIGHT ON YOU’RE A CRAZY BITCH BUT YOUR [BLEEP]– ♪>>YOU SAVE SOME OF THAT SLUTTY ENERGY FOR WHEN YOU’RE CONSUMMATING THE MARRIAGE IN A PORT-O-POTTY. THOSE CRAZY BITCHES ARE THERESA AND CHRIS, AND WHEN SHE WALKED DOWN THE AISLE TO THE SOUNDS OF MODERN ROCK ICONS BUCKCHERRY, THERE WASN’T A DRY CROTCH IN THE HOUSE. A…

  • Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Annie, Don’t Fall
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    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Annie, Don’t Fall

    >>Go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Don’t fall. Don’t fall off. Annie, don’t fall.>>This is what girls will resort to if we ever get rid of Planned Parenthood. She died. No redemption this week, guys. We’ll be right back. LOL. That’s Annie, and she tried to get cute in a cruise ship stairwell, but like every girl, she’s unable to do anything fun. If you’ve ever been inside a crowded Walmart and said, “I’d like to spend a solid week with these people,” then cruises are for you. They depart out of Florida, and things only get less classy from there. It’s a floating nursing home. There’s nothing more…

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    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Football-to-the-Face Girl

    – Auburn looking for its firsthome conference win since 2014.[whistle shrills] – I got it! I got it! I got it! – Whoa! – Could be worse. She could have been at Baylor. That’s Ashley, and if we go to the replay, we will see that she did not have it. This is what happens when you’re on the sideline at the Auburn-LSU game and you think you can shag kickoffs from a Lou Groza Award finalist. College football gives people who couldn’t get into a decent school something to be proud of. Game days are a rich tradition of tailgating with other alcoholics and screaming obscenities at 19-year-olds. The…

  • Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – RC Car
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    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – RC Car

    (man) All right, I’m ready when you are. (man) Go, go, go! [RC car whirring] Ooh. Ooh, you all right? Gentry. – Are you okay? – Dude, my legs. – Dude, your legs are fine. – No, they [bleep] hurt. (man) I know they hurt, but they’re straight. Please check the left leg. Dude, I’m telling you. Your left–I know it hurts, but it’s fine. Oh, it hurts really bad. I know, but if it was broke, you would know. Oh, [bleep], it’s gashed. It’s gashed. You’re fine. It’s gashed, though. Put your pants back down. It’s not bleeding; it’s just gashed. That’s pretty rough, man. I can see your…

  • Nathan For You – Dating Website
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    Nathan For You – Dating Website

    IN THE WORLD, AND FOR ONLINE DATING WEBSITES LIKE DATING DNA THOSE LONG-HAIRED ANGELS ARE A PRIZE TO BE WON. CEO KEVIN CARMONY ADMITS THAT ATTRACTING MORE FEMALE USERS TO HIS SITE IS THE KEY TO GROWTH. – ‘CAUSE RIGHT NOW WE’RE PROBABLY 65% MEN, 35% WOMEN. – BUT TO DO THIS YOU NEED A THOROUGH UNDERSTANDING OF HOW THE FEMALE BRAIN WORKS. SO I PAID KEVIN A VISIT AT HIS PENTHOUSE SUITE IN IRVINE, CALIFORNIA, TO SHARE MY EXPERTISE. THE MAIN REASON MOST WOMEN ARE AFRAID TO USE ONLINE DATING IS BECAUSE THEY THINK THE PERSON THEY MEET UP WITH COULD POTENTIALLY BE A KILLER AND MURDER THEM. –…

  • Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Car Jump Kid
    Articles,  Blog

    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Car Jump Kid

    [MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]– 20.20.[ENGINE REVVING]– OOH. – ARE YOU OKAY?– WHOA, EVERYTHING WENT BRIGHT AS [BLEEP].– DUDE, DUDE. – ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?– WHAT HAPPENED? – ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU OKAY? – WHOA. – IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE GETS HURT. AND THEN IT’S GOOD TELEVISION. LEGALLY, I’M OBLIGATED TO SAY DON’T TRY JUMPING OVER A SLOW-MOVING CAR. YOU GOT TO TRY IT WHEN THE CAR’S GOING SUPER FAST. THAT WAY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAY IN THE AIR VERY LONG. THAT HUMAN ROADKILL GOES BY SHANE, AND IT’S HARD TO CLASSIFY WHAT HE DOES. HE’S NOT A PROFESSIONAL STUNTMAN. HE’S NOT AN…

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    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Sting Wrestling Fan

    >>Oh, my God, Stevie’s on WWE! Oh! I can’t believe it! Stevie’s on there! What? Free! Yeah, off the cuffs of Sting. I cannot believe this! Oh, my God. Stevie! Oh, my God. Oh! Oh, my God. Oh! Charlie just tried to hit him. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. He’s beating up Triple H. Oh, my gosh! Oh, he’s about to give him the Scorpion Death Drop. Oh! Ahh, yeah!>>Hopefully he’s on the phone with his therapist. Pro wrestling is like the Beatles. The good ones are dead. That super flamboyant wrestling nerd is Chris, and he’s obsessed with Sting. If you don’t watch this show with the same…

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    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Breakdancer

    HAVE A CLUE, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE THE GREAT BREAKDANCER YOU THINK YOU ARE. YOU ARE GOING TO DESTROY YOUR BODY BEFORE YOU GET UP INTO THE LITTLE ASIANS LEVEL.>>LITTLE ASIANS, SEEMS REDUNDANT. THAT B-BUOY IS ALEX. I HEARD BREAKDANCER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR AFRICAN-AMERICANS NEXT TO DECORATING PUBLIC PROPERTY INTO SPRAY PAINT. IT IS GYMNASTIC FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN’T AFFORD PROPER TRAINING. I REFUSE TO LAY MY BODY ON THE DISGUSTING FLOOR. THIS SHIRT COST $900. YEAH, HIGH FASHIONED. I KNOW TO LOCK MY CAR DOOR WHEN EVER PEOPLE ARE DOING IT. I AM FROM FLORIDA YOU KNOW I CAN TOOT SI ROLL. I HAVE NEVER…

  • Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid
    Articles,  Blog

    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid

    – IT’S THE VIEW OUTSIDE PEOPLE’S DOORS AND WINDOWS THAT HAS WALNUT CREEK NEIGHBORS DOING DOUBLE TAKES. YES, THAT’S A GUY WITH A RIFLE STRAPPED ACROSS HIS BACK WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK. – THIS IS MY GRANDDAD’S GUN FROM WORLD WAR II. – 19-YEAR-OLD JOHN SCHULTZ ALSO WEARS A BULLETPROOF VEST, CARRIES AMMO, AND KEEPS A KNIFE. – I HAVE ZIP TIES ON AS WELL, JUST IN CASE. – MY KIDS DON’T EVEN COME OUTSIDE ‘CAUSE THEY’RE SCARED. – HIS WALKS VARY, DAY AND NIGHT. IT’S MOSTLY FOR PICKING UP GARBAGE. – IT’S NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GUN OR THE BODY ARMOR. IT’S THE PERSON. – BUT THERE’S TILL…