Substitute Teacher – SNL
Articles,  Blog

Substitute Teacher – SNL


>>>ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE
DOWN. THIS CLASS DONE ALREADY RAN OFF
ANOTHER TEACHER! SO WE GOT YOU A SUBSTITUTE
TODAY. ALSO, WHAT IS THAT SMELL IN
HERE? YOUR CHANGING BODIES ARE PUMPING
OUT SO MUCH SWEAT, NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO COVER IT UP WITH AXE
BODY SPRAY. IT’S NOT WORKING!
YOU FAKING LITTLE HOT POCKET! ANYWAY, YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER
IS HERE SO SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THIS DUDE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>WHAT UP, FAM?
MY NAME IS DALE SWEEZE. YOU CAN CALL ME DALE.
YOU CAN CALL ME SWEEZE. LET’S TAKE THE “MISTER” OUT OF
THE PICTURE.>>OH, MAN, NOT THIS GUY.
>>HEY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, MI HOMBRE.
YOU LIKE HIP-HOP? YOU LIKE DOPE BEATS?
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT THE GREATEST RAPPER OF ALL-TIME
ISN’T TUPAC. ISN’T BIGGIE.
IT’S ACTUALLY –>>SHAKESPEARE?
>>IT’S ACTUALLY — SHAKESPEARE.>>YEAH, DUDE, WE KNOW.
YOU’RE NOT THE FIRST WELL-MEANING THUG TO TRY AND
REACH US THROUGH HIP-HOP.>>LET ME GUESS.
YOU WERE ABOUT TO OPEN YOUR LAPTOP AND PERFORM A RAP VERSION
OF HAMLET’S “TO BE OR NOT TO BE.”
>>NO!>>”TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS
THE QUESTION.”>>NO.
I WASN’T GOING TO DO THAT.>>OH, WOW.
YOU ALREADY RECORDED IT, VERY SAD.
>>THIS IS ACTUALLY NOT INSPIRING BECAUSE I CAME IN HERE
THINKING I WAS THE TEACHER BUT MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BE
THE ONES THAT –>>TEACH YOU?
>>DAMN.>>WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS SO
MANY TIMES, MAN. THERE WAS THAT DIVORCE LADY WHO
USED HIP-HOP TO TEACH US POETRY.>>YEAH SXSHLGTS AND THAT WHITE
BALLET DANCER FROM LAST WEEK.>>FIRST WE TAUGHT HER HIP-HOP,
THEN SHE TAUGHT US BALLET. BUT FOR SOME REASON SHE COULD
ONLY TEACH US BALLET THROUGH HIP-HOP.
>>NOW I WOULD LOVE JUST LIKE A QUIET MATH CLASS.
>>WELL, LET ME TELL YOU MY STORY.
IT JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.>>NOT LIKELY.
>>I WENT OUT TO HOLLYWOOD, DID THE WHOLE ACTORS THING.
I WAS OUT THERE FOR OVER SEVEN WEEKS.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY PARTS I GOT? ZERO.
KNOW HOW MANY AUDITIONS I WENT ON?
OVER FOUR. [ LAUGHTER ]
ONE DAY I SAID TO MYSELF, WAIT A MINUTE, DALE, WHAT IF THE
GREATEST PART IN THE GREATEST MOVIE IS DALE SWEESE IN REAL
LIFE?>>COOL, MAN, BEFORE YOU EVEN
STARTED TALKING I WROTE DOWN “WENT TO HOLLYWOOD.
FAILED HARD.” [ LAUGHTER ]
>>WHOA, MY MAN. YOU JUST PUT THE SYSTEM ON
TRIAL. AND SO AM I.
WE’RE GOING TO WATCH A MOVIE TODAY.
NOT A MOVIE FOR THEM, A MOVIE FOR YOU.
>>THEM? WHO IS THEM?
AND PLEASE BE SPECIFIC.>>A LITTLE MOVIE CALLED
“STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON.”>>WE’VE WATCHED THAT SIX TIMES,
IN I KNOW IT BY HEART.>>LET’S START OVER.
SEEMS LIKE YOU B-BOYS AND HOMEGIRLS GOT IT ALL FIGURED
OUT, RIGHT? WHAT ABOUT YOU SLUGGER?
YOU’VE BEEN PRETTY QUIET OVER THERE.
MAYBE YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YOU CAN’T READ?
>>YOU THINK SHE CAN’T READ? THIS IS AN AP ENGLISH CLASS.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I’M QUIET BECAUSE I’M STUNNED
AND EMBARRASSED FOR YOU.>>OH!
>>WHOA!>>WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
HERE? ARE YOU TRYING TO TOUCH THE
STUDENTS?>>I’M TRYING TO TOUCH ALL THESE
STUDENTS! [ LAUGHTER ]
>>MAN, GET OUT OF HERE.>>I WILL GET OUT AND I’M TAKING
MY CLASS WITH ME. FOLLOW ME, SCHOLARS, TO THE
FIELDS! QUESTION EVERYTHING!
>>YEAH. THAT’S A HARD PASS.
>>AND IT STILL SMELLS IN HERE, YOU CLAMMY LITTLE BOOGERS!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

16 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *