Squatters Ep1 – The New Housemate | Foil Arms and Hog
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Squatters Ep1 – The New Housemate | Foil Arms and Hog

We should just rent out the spare room. It’s against the terms of the lease agreement. We haven’t paid rent in three years. I’m pretty sure that’s against the terms of the lease agreement. Well, what if the landlord comes back? He’s not coming back! It’s been three years. Okay? He’s probably in prison or fled the country. It’s morally obtuse Okay, look look… There’s a housing crisis. Yeah? People are desperate. This would be like a public service. Like a civic duty? Exactly Plus we could charge an absolute fortune. Another person here? I mean, that’s gonna ruin our dynamic. Dynamic? Yeah, our ebb and flow. Our ying and yang. You’re a pain the hole. Better the devil you know. We’re broke. Okay? We need the money so… Either we get someone in or as discussed One of us is gonna have to get a job. I have a job. No, you don’t. I’m a video game tester. You don’t get paid for that. It’s an honor just to be asked. Look, we’re renting out the room. Okay? Fine. But there will be a rigorous vetting process. Yeah. I’m not getting stuck here with some freak. Look, there will be background checks interviews everything. And just because I live here does not give them an automatic invite to Mario Cart Mondays. Obviously. Okay. Where is everybody. There’s a housing crisis. There should be a queue down the street. You put the ad up online? Yes. The right date, time, the price. Yes. It might shock you to learn that I’m not a total moron. The ad is actually out-performing ninety eight percent of all other flatshare adverts Wait what? You put yourself in all the photos. You’re in the kitchen. The bedroom, the bathroom. You’re in the bed. Yeah, I did it for scale. You look like a pervert. I disagree My hands are by my side which is the least threatening of all body postures. The ad says seeking a mate. Yeah. Mate. Short for flatmate. It’s obvious. It’s not obvious. Of course, no one has turned up. It’s all your fault. If anyone does turn up I don’t want them here cause they are probably gonna be a freak. Hello? Hi there I’m here about the room? No, no, no, there’s been a misunderstanding. It’s not a sexual thing. So, thank you. Excuse me? It’s just the room there’s no strings attached. Oh yeah that’s perfect. No you don’t understand. It doesn’t include the guy in the photos Oh, yeah I know he was just there for scale. Thank you. So it’s still available? Eh? Yeah Where are all the other people? Nobody turned up… Well we’re in between viewings at the moment The place was mobbed this morning Lot of interest. I’ll take it. What? I have the deposit right here. But you haven’t seen it yet? It doesn’t matter. This is my 87th viewing. I know how these things work. Here’s one month’s rent in advance. CV and references Flowers and chocolates are in the hallway and I gave the Mazda in the driveway a good clean That’s not actually ours. So you don’t want to see the place? Oh, maybe I should. Well, I’ll give you the tour. Would you like something to drink? We have eh… Cup of hot water? Oh, cold water, please. The cold tap is not actually working at the moment But if you’re happy to wait for it to cool down? Um… I’m Okay. So this is the living room All original furnishings. You got your TV DVD player Nice house plant. Yeah, that’s actually growing in from the outside so… Oh? Yeah. Mario Cart You any good at electrics? No, why? No reason. Now, the kitchen is through there. I should say the bins are included in the rent. Oh, that’s good. We just use the apartment block across the way. Okay. Yeah, what is the area like in general? Well, it’s an up-and-coming with a bohemian feel there’s always a lot of police around here so… You know, it’s safe. Yeah. You any good at plumbing? No, why? No reason? Now, your bedroom… Cool Well, here she is. It’s a little small. Oh, yeah it used to be the downstairs bathroom. The green ceiling? It’s mould. And the smell? Mystery. No one knows. The deposit is non-refundable. No, no, I’m happy. Well, welcome aboard. Excuse me. We haven’t conducted our interview yet. You could still be a freak. So I’ve prepared a list of questions. Okay. How hairy are you? Sorry? The drains, they clog. Answer the question. Like an average amount. Of hairiness. Remote control? Or clicker? I actually call it a zapper. Have you ever or have any of the members of your immediate family ever suffered from restless leg syndrome? What? Scenario. There’s a fire. Yes? Now everyone is dead because of your inaction. Sorry I just thought there was going to be more Tell that to my incinerated corpse. Scenario. It’s a Sunday morning I get up, I have my breakfast, I go for… I hadn’t finished yet. It’s a Sunday morning There’s a fire. Oh is that the scenario? Everyone is dead! Could you please wait in the next room while we discuss the results of your test. He has failed both scenario tests And he’s answered suspiciously to questions four, six… and eighty-three. Yeah, okay But I don’t see anyone else here and he’s paying cash. Plus he didn’t even flinch when he saw the toilet at the bottom of the bed. He’s perfect. He’s hardly, perfect. He barely finished the Rubik’s Cube on time. And he couldn’t manage 40 star jumps before needing a glass of hot water. Guys I can kind of hear you, the walls are paper thin. And look, he’s nosy. I mean, he’s just not a good fit. What’s your real problem? He’s too normal. What’s wrong with normal? Well he’s just so… Woooo Wooo You’ll end up liking him more than me. It’s a risk we’re gonna have to take. Guys there’s asbestos in here. Non-refundable! Doomdah! We are Foil Arms and Hog thanks very much for watching and a change from our sketches We decided to try a sitcom. So there you go it’s the first ever attempt we’ve had at one. Yeah. Bit of an experiment, but We’re going for it. Tell us what you think. All the characters, sets, props, names of characters all subjective change really. Even the cast is subject to change Some people won’t survive the first episode. Yeah… What? They’re joking We’re still on tour I mean, you know that if you’ve watched six minutes of this stuff You know everywhere we’re going. We bang on about it. You see adverts in your cereal at this point. Yeah, but look guys if the sitcom was a success That’s it. No more touring. Yeah, so share it if you liked it. Please do tell people about it. And if you know anybody in Netflix Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that’d be great Awe that would be awesome Yeah, and if they could write it and direct it. And be in it and edit it as well And do the sets. Because we’re doing it all ourselves. We’re picking up doors that aren’t really doors and putting them in front of things. These hands are not meant for manual labor. Doomdah………………………….


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