Seth Meyers’ opening monologue at 2015 ‘NFL Honors’
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Seth Meyers’ opening monologue at 2015 ‘NFL Honors’

From Phoenix Symphony hall, it’s the fourth annual NFL honors, please welcome your host Seth Meyers Good evening And welcome, everyone, to the fourth annual NFL honors; a night that combines all of the excitement of a trip to Phoenix with none of the hassle of playing in the Super Bowl so great to see so many players here and let me just say how nice it is to see all of you with your helmets off Well except for you, Dez Bryant. I feel like your helmet is always off Do they not have your size? I’d like to congratulate the two teams who are playing in Super Bowl XLIX on Sunday They say there’s a lot of parity in the league these days, but it seems like no matter what happens during the regular season, it always comes down to the New England Patriots versus the NFL Rulebook And so as I say to my therapist at the beginning of every session, I need to talk about Tom Brady’s balls This story is out of control I mean
how crazy do things have to get to hear these words on Sportscenter “Now here to comment on the Super Bowl, Bill Nye the Science Guy” It’s a huge story and even more shocking NFL investigators also discovered that New England Patriot Vince Wilfork is actually three guys crammed into one uniform Two adults and a very husky kid But I for one am tired of focusing on air pressure and PSI, instead I say let’s focus on the fact that this year Bill Belichick became the sixth coach in NFL history to reach 200 regular season wins, give it up Or you know 170 adjusted for inflation, but look You guys look If there is any group of people who won’t get bothered by allegations that their team broke some rules, it is the calm, level-headed people of Boston When asked if they thought the Patriots had cheated 63% of new Englanders said no while the remaining 37% said “you being smart?” “Is that a smart question? Keep walking bro, I don’t want to take your survey” But tonight is about incredible performances, and maybe none were as impressive as those of MVP finalist J.J. Watt give it up JJ. Watt everybody He’s here tonight And I just want to say to him J.J. You’ve been in a league for four years you are very very good at football It is time for you to come out of your shell you have to stop being a shrinking violet J.J. We want to see the real you J.J. Had five scores this year including three offensive touchdowns, three offensive touchdowns. It’s what the New York Jets call a season Sure, Sanchez loves it now! Everyone was talking about Marshawn Lynch this week well, except for, you know, Marshawn Lynch Marshawn was fined this season for not speaking to reporters because if players stopped speaking to reporters How else would we know that you went out there played hard and gave 100%? We’d have no way of knowing Marshawn doesn’t like talking to reporters though if you asked me that says less about Marshawn Lynch than it does about the reporters he paid $100,000 so he wouldn’t have to talk to you guys, usually that’s called a divorce Speaking of the Seahawks Richard Sherman’s girlfriend Ashley is pregnant and could go into labor Super Bowl Sunday, it seems tough to stop a baby that wants to come out, but if anyone can shut it down It’s Sherman and his legion of womb You know there is some speculation that Sherman’s girlfriend’s giving birth on Super Bowl Sunday was all arranged by her obstetrician, Dr. Michael Crabtree Arizona Star Larry Fitzgerald is here tonight. Give it up for Larry Fitzgerald Larry is looking forward to spending the offseason working out and honing his skills And he told me backstage that if he starts now He might be able to learn the names of all the Cardinals quarterbacks by opening day He loves a challenge! It was kind of a tricky year for NFL referees, and I just like to say people complain a lot about the NFL refs But if it weren’t for them, we might not have Tony Romo here tonight Tony Tony is a finalist for MVP, Congratulations the amazing Cowboy season returning to the playoffs for the first time in five years I thought it was so nice that the team was finally as high-quality as the giant TV in your stadium You might not know this Tony but for the last few seasons late in games They would just switch that thing over to reruns of Seinfeld And that’s a show about nothing Colts quarterback, Andrew la-, Andrew Luck is here tonight. Where’s Andrew luck? And good news so is his neck beard, look at that thing. It’s either a terrible beard or a great scarf Andrew, I know making fun of your neckbeard is becoming an annual event at the NFL honors But that’s only because you will not take a hint What was a more egregious land grab this year, Vladimir Putin invading Crimea, or Andrew’s beard invading his neck? Seriously man, give it up. You play quarterback, not banjo MVP finalist Aaron Rodgers is here tonight. Give it up for Aaron Rodgers Aaron had a lot of memorable moments this year, that time in Week Three when he told everyone to relax and more recently that time In the last five minutes of the NFC championship game when he said why is everyone relaxing now is not the time of the place for this foolishness You know Very sorry You know what’s so amazing? You know what’s so amazing about football is its capacity to surprise us After Seattle started 3 and 3 who would have thought they’d still be here. After New England lost to the Chiefs 41 to 14 in Week 4 who would have still thought they’d still be here and after everything that happened in the NFL this year, who would have thought Roger Goodell would still be here A survivor, the man is a survivor But let me say there are so many exciting things happening under Commissioner Goodell The league continues to grow internationally, it was announced that for the third season in a row, the Jacksonville Jaguars will play a game in London You know England is our ally right? It doesn’t quite seem fair. They gave us the Beatles and in return, we’re giving them the Bortles More exciting news the 49ers opened their new Levi’s stadium this season But sadly since Levi’s makes jeans the 49ers had to get rid of everyone who wears khakis We will miss you Jim Harbaugh may you and your pleats find the same anger and frustration in the college game that you found in the NFL I should also mention the tonight show will run two hours or about twice as long as the Johnny Manziel era It was a rough start for Johnny Football this year But it makes more sense when you learn that his middle name is college Johnny “College” Football Manziel was fined $10,000 for an obscene gesture then went 0 and 2 to in his two starts And he was spotted hanging out with Justin Bieber. When asked if he thought it affected his performance Bieber said nah, I wasn’t that good to begin with Speaking of the Browns, NFL legend Jim Brown is here Did you did you enjoy the end of the Browns season, Jim? That’s good. It’s it’s always nice to see you having a lovely time I don’t see Peyton Manning I don’t see Peyton Manning in the house tonight, which I guess means no one paid Papa John the ransom Fun fact, if you watch those Papa John commercials closely you can actually see Peyton blinking “help me” in Morse code Archie, you better be getting free dipping sauces out of all that. That’s what I say! You know there was some talk about Peyton retiring after this season. I don’t know if he will or he won’t but one thing’s for sure; he won’t. I believe those retirement rumors about as much as I believe Papa John’s hair color I will say, Aaron Rodgers, you’re really giving Peyton a run for his money when it comes to commercials. You may have actually been in more this year, I’m not sure, I’ll have to double-check You know One of the things the league is really focusing on a lot these days is what is or isn’t a safe and legal tackle Well tonight We’re very happy to premiere the league’s new instructional video “How to Tackle” so just take a look at the screen So here we go as you see what you need to do Is you lead with the belly in the chest and then you want to wrap up the opponent two at a time Don’t bend the arms, never bend the arms, and then you just want to jostle You just want to jostle him, never bring them to the ground, never bring him to the ground, and then just a sleeper hold Just a sleeper hold on your opponent. You got that? Great. So good luck to all of tonight’s nominees Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show and remember even if you lose tonight, even if you lose tonight You can still win the NFC south now presenting…


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