Pros and Cons of Hosting the Oscars
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Pros and Cons of Hosting the Oscars


– SO THE OTHER DAY, I TOLD YOU
WHAT I DID OVER THE SUMMER, AND I FORGOT
TO MENTION SOMETHING PRETTY IMPORTANT, PRETTY BIG. I CAN DESCRIBE IT IN ONE WORD:
“OSCAR.” [cheers and applause] MY NEIGHBOR OSCAR
FINALLY GOT HIS BRACES OFF. HE HAS PERFECT TEETH, SO HE ONLY HAS TO WEAR
THE RETAINER FOR TWO YEARS, SO THAT’S GOOD. AND IN ADDITION TO THAT,
I ACTUALLY AGREED TO HOST THE ACADEMY AWARDS AGAIN
THIS YEAR. [cheers and applause] SO… I HOSTED IN 2007. IT WAS FUN.
IT WAS AN HONOR. AND IT’S A BIG DECISION,
YOU KNOW, AND I REALLY– THEY CALLED AND SAID,
“HOW ABOUT IT THIS YEAR?” AND I WAS LIKE,
“UH, IT’S A BIG DECISION, AND I WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.” AND THE WAY I DEAL
WITH BIG DECISIONS IS– I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE
DO THIS– I MAKE A PROS AND CONS LIST. AND I THOUGHT I WOULD TAKE YOU
ON A JOURNEY INSIDE OF MY MIND, WHICH IS SCARY. HOLD ON. AND I THOUGHT I’D READ YOU
SOME PROS AND CONS FROM MY LIST THAT I… SO, UM, THIS IS MY CVS RECEIPT. THIS IS NOT… THAT’S–SORRY. I KEEP THAT WITH ME IN CASE
I HAVE TO RETURN ANYTHING. AT ALL TIMES– EVEN WHEN I DO A SHOW,
I ALWAYS HAVE IT WITH ME. NO, IT’S IN MY SOCK. THAT’S WHERE I KEEP
MY PROS AND CONS LISTS. NOW I’M GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE
MY HIDING PLACE BECAUSE… OKAY, SO HERE’S A PRO. I GET TO PERFORM IN FRONT
OF 60 MILLION PEOPLE. [cheers and applause] CON: OH, MY GOD, 60 MILLION
PEOPLE WATCH THAT THING. PRO: I’LL BE INVITED TO ALL
THE COOL OSCAR AFTER PARTIES. YUP. [cheers and applause] CON: I LIKE TO BE TUCKED IN
BY 7:30. PRO: MERYL STREEP COULD GET
A RECORD 17TH OSCAR NOMINATION. [cheers and applause] CON: #WEREOVERITMERYL. PRO: A LOT OF FANCY DESIGNERS
WILL WANT TO APPROACH ME AND WANT ME TO WEAR A BEAUTIFUL,
EXPENSIVE GOWN OF THEIRS. CON: AIN’T NO WAY IN HELL
I’M WEARING A GOWN. [cheers and applause] PRO: I’VE DONE IT BEFORE. THE SECOND TIME
SHOULD BE EVEN BETTER. CON: MY SECOND SITCOM
GOT CANCELED AFTER FIVE MINUTES. PRO: IF I’M ONSTAGE HOSTING, I WON’T BE SITTING ON MY COUCH
DRINKING MARGARITAS. CON: IF I’M ONSTAGE HOSTING, I WON’T BE SITTING ON MY COUCH
DRINKING MARGARITAS. PRO: THE THEATER HOLDS
3,000 SEATS. CON: IT’S GONNA TAKE 45 MINUTES TO DANCE THROUGH
ALL THOSE AISLES. WHICH IS CRAZY ‘CAUSE LOOK HOW– IT DOESN’T TAKE ME THAT LONG
TO DANCE THROUGH HERE.

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