Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue – SNL
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Louis C.K. Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOUIS C.K.
♪♪♪>>THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YES,
THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S APPROPRIATE.
HERE’S A JOKE. WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE
ROAD? BECAUSE THERE IS A BLACK GUY
WALKING BEHIND HIM. AND HE WAS NERVOUS.
HE WAS NEW TO THE CITY, THIS CHICKEN, AND HE WAS LIKE “I FEEL
LIKE HE IS FOLLOWING ME.” BUT THEN HE THOUGHT IF I CROSS
THE ROAD, THEN IF HE CROSSES THE ROAD, HE DEFINITELY FOLOWING ME.
SO HE CROSSES THE ROAD. THE BLACK GUY WENT HOME, HE’S
JUST LIVING HIS LIFE. AND THE CHICKEN IS LIKE “I’M
SUCH A RACIST.” HE FELT BAD.
ABOUT A MONTH LATER A BLACK GUY ATE THE CHICKEN.
DIFFERENT BLACK GUY. I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT
HAPPENED. BY THE WAY, THIS JOKE IS NOT
RACIST. DON’T BE AFRAID.
THIS IS NOT A RACIST JOKE. THE CHICKEN WAS RACIST.
THE CHICKEN WAS DEFINITELY — BUT THAT’S CHICKENS.
CHICKENS ARE VERY, SORT OF, CLOSED DOWN, SORT OF SUSPICIOUS,
PREJUDICE PEOPLE. YOU KIND OF CAN’T BLAME THEM
CONSIDERING THAT THEIR SPECIES MURDER RATE IS 100%.
THAT’S WHY CHICKENS ARE LIKE — NO FRIENDLY CHICKENS.
YOU CAN FEED THE SAME CHICKEN EVERY DAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, YOU BLACK SON OF A BITCH, I’M NOT COMING
OVER THERE. I’M NOT IN YOUR SOUP YET, YOU
JEW. I LIKE ANIMALS.
I LIKE WONDERING ABOUT ANIMALS. I LIKE WONDERING WHAT THEY ARE
THINKING. YOU CAN ASK ABOUT ANY ANIMAL AND
THE CONVERSATION IS OVER. I WONDER IF ANIMALS ARE AWARE OF
THEIR LIVES. LIKE, IS A GIRAFFE UP THERE
GOING, “WHOA!” IT’S TOO HIGH!
HEY, HORSE. HORSE!
>>WHAT, MAN?>>LOOK AT MY NECK!
THAT’S WHY HORSES MAKE THAT NOSE.
YOU ARE NEAR A HORSE AND HE DOES THAT, THAT’S BECAUSE YOU SUCK.
DOES A MOOSE LOOK DIFFERENT WHEN IT’S SURPRISED?
DID YOU SEE A MOOSE? THEY HAVE THIS — I SAW A MOOSE
ONCE IN PERSON. OR IN MOOSE.
MAYBE I WAS PROJECTING BECAUSE I WAS LIKE OH, MY GOSH, A MOOSE
AND HE WAS GOING OH, MY GOD, I’M A MOOSE!
EVERY MOOSE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE WHO GOT TURNED INTO A MOOSE
BEFORE YOU LOOKED AT HIM. I WAS THINKING OF BUYING A GOAT.
BECAUSE I WANT TO HAVE A TRASH CAN THAT I CAN MAKE LOVE TO.
THAT’S WHY I’M GOING TO BUY A GOAT.
I CAN DO THAT WITH A TRASH CAN I HAVE NOW, BUT I DON’T HAVE A
VAGINA. THAT MAKES IT BETTER.
I DON’T CARE THAT YOU ARE UPSET. I’M STILL GETTING THE GOAT.
I LOVE DOING THIS. STAND-UP COMEDY.
I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR 32 YEARS NOW.
IT’S BEEN GOING GREAT FOR FOUR YEARS, 28 YEARS IT WAS A
STRUGGLE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS HAPPY
WHEN I WAS STRUGGLING. I WAS.
BECAUSE WHEN YOUR LIFE SUCKS, IT JUST SUCKS AND YOU LIVE IT.
WHEN IT GETS BETTER, YOU START GETTING UNHAPPY.
THEN YOU’RE UPSET. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS.
LIKE, NOW I STAY IN BEAUTIFUL FIVE-STAR HOTELS AND I’M
MISERABLE. I USED TO STAY IN MOTELS.
NOT EVEN LIKE A NICE — LIKE A MOTEL 6.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT. LIKE A NOT EVEN A NAME.
JUST MOTEL. LIKE THEY BUILT IT AND ONE GUY
IS LIKE “WHAT SHOULD WE NAME IT?”
THE OTHER GUY IS LIKE, “WHAT?” LAST TIME YOU TOOK A DUMP, DID
YOU NAME IT? YOU KNOW THE MOTELS ON THE
HIGHWAY AND YOU SAY, WHO IS INSIDE OF THAT?
RIGHT ON THE HIGHWAY. LIKE, THE DOOR OPENS ONTO THE
HIGHWAY AND ATRUCK TAKES THE DOOR –.
AND WHEN YOU GET IN THE SHOWER, YOU ARE DIRTIER NOW.
THEY GIVE YOU SOAP AND YOU HAVE TO PEEL OUST PAPER AND IT MAKES
A RASH. YOU CAN WRITE YOUR NAME IN SKIN
DISEASE WITH THE SOAP. AND THERE’S ALWAYS TWO BEDS AND
ONE BED HAS A BIG POOL OF SPERM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
JUST A BIG DEEP POOL WITH A CURRENT.
HIGH TIDE AT THE SPERM POOL! WHERE’S THE BOAT?
I STAYED IN, LIKE, IN MOTELS LIKE THAT FOR YEARS AND I WAS
HAPPY. BECAUSE WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO? COMPLAIN TO THE MOTEL?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL THE FRONT DESK?
“I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER.”
“WELL, HE’S DEAD. SOMEBODY DUCT TAPED HIM TO A
CHAIR AND SHOT HIM IN THE HEAD BECAUSE HE OWED HIM $15.”
NOW I STAY AT BEAUTIFUL HOTELS AND I’M MISERABLE BECAUSE I
DON’T LIKE THE FANCY HOTEL STUFF.
THEY TIE YOUR BATHROBE INTO A SWAN AND I DON’T LIKE IT WHEN
YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE THEY SAY A LONG FLOWERY HELLO BEFORE YOU
TALK ABOUT FOOT. YOU CALL DOWN TO ROOM SERVICE,
THEY’RE LIKE, “HELLO, THIS ROOM SERVICE –”
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ] I HATE IT.
STOP IT! I NEVER LET THEM FINISH.
IT’S LIKE, “HELLO, ROOM SERVICE –”
STOP, STOP, STOP! THANKS, I’D LIKE SOME COFFEE!
I’M MEAN. YOU STAY IN THE HOTELS AND YOU
ARE USED TO IT AND ONE TIME MY LAUNDRY WASN’T THERE.
SO I CALLED HOUSEKEEPING. NOW THEY DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE
ALL FANCY AT HOUSEKEEPING. THIS IS HOW SHE ANSWERS THE
PHONE, SHE GOES, “HELLO?” AND I ACTUALLY SAID THIS TO HER,
I SAID, “DO YOU WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN?”
YEAH. I’M TELLING YOU THINGS ABOUT ME.
I WAS LIKE, “DID I REACH YOU ON YOUR PERSONAL PHONE TODAY?”
SO SHE SAID — SHE GOES, “WHAT DO YOU NEED,
SIR?” AND I SAID, “WELL, I GAVE YOU MY
LAUNDRY YESTERDAY.” SHE SAID “YOU DIDN’T GIVE IT TO
ME.” I WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I’M SO
EXCITED ABOUT HOW MAD I GET TO BE NOW.
I SAID, “I GAVE MY LAUNDRY TO YOUR DEPARTMENT AND I WAS
PROMISED. LIKE IT’S IN THE CONSTITUTION
THAT YOU GET YOUR LAUNDRY. IT’S BEEN LONGER THAN 24 HOURS.
SHE SAID, “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?”
SO I SAID, “OKAY, LISTEN, FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN HEAR IN MY VOICE
THAT I’M WHITE.” AND BY THE WAY, I’LL DEFEND THAT
RIGHT NOW. I’LL DEFEND THAT.
BECAUSE LOOK, IT’S WRONG THAT WHITE PEOPLE GET PREFERENTIAL
TREATMENT. IT’S WRONG.
BUT AS LONG AS THEY DO, WHAT’S GOING ON AT THIS HOTEL?
I’M SUPPOSED TO GET THE BEST BECAUSE I’M WHITE WHICH IS
AWFUL AND LONG, BUT WHERE IS IT RIGHT NOW?
SO SHE GETS SICK OF ME. SHE SAYS, “DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK
TO A MANAGER?” I SAID YES.
SO THE MANAGER COMES ON, “HELLO? IT’S NED –”
[ UNINTELIGIBLE ] I SAID, “I AM VERY UPSET!”
SHE WAS LIKE, “OH, I’M SO SORRY, WHITE SIR.
WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” I SAID, “I DON’T HAVE MY
LAUNDRY.” HE SAID, “AAH!”
HE SAID, “I’M GOING TO CONDUCT AN INVESTIGATION.”
I WAS LIKE, “YES, THAT’S A VERY WHITE THING.
I WANT A WHITE INVESTIGATION INTO MY LAUNDRY.”
SO HE SAID “I WILL CALL YOU BACK IN FIVE MINUTES OR LESS.”
SO I’M WAITING IN MY ROOM LIKE —
SO HE CALLS ME BACK LATER, HE SAYS, “SIR, I LOOKED INTO THE
MATTER AND I HAVE ONE QUESTION. ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU GAVE US
LAUNDRY?” AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT I WAS
LIKE, “I DID NOT GIVE YOU — WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT.
THE CHAINSMOKERS ARE HERE. SO STICK AROUND AND WE’LL BE
RIGHT BACK. ♪♪♪

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