Late Night Democratic Presidential Debate Round Two
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Late Night Democratic Presidential Debate Round Two

-CNN held the second round of Democratic presidential
debates last week. And once again, they had to
split it up into two groups. And my complaint was not enough
candidates in one night. So I decided to hold
a debate of my own. All 20 candidates are
right here, right now, and they’re ready to go,
so without further ado, here’s the “Late Night
Democratic presidential debate.” [ Cheers and applause ] Welcome to the “Late Night 2020
Democratic presidential debate.” I’m your moderator, Seth Meyers. Congressman Delaney,
let’s start with you. The latest polls have you
at less than 1%. Who is still supporting your presidential campaign
at this point? -The people who are forced,
like my dad. [ Laughter ] -Governor Hickenlooper,
if you were President, what would be your goal
each and every Halloween? -Startle and frighten every man,
woman and child in this country. [ Laughter ] -Mayor Buttigieg,
where is Mike Pence not allowed to stand when he’s around women? -Within cheating distance. [ Laughter ] -Senator Sanders, as President, how would you improve
the new Starbucks menu? -By ending all of
the incredible complexities that are driving
every American crazy. [ Laughter ] -Mayor de Blasio,
is it possible for someone to be a Democrat and still be
despised in New York City? -I know from personal
experience, it can be done. [ Laughter and applause ] -Senator Bennet,
how many people here do you think have no idea
who you are? -Half the people in this room. [ Laughter ] -Senator, be honest. -Almost everybody in this room. [ Laughter ] -Senator Klobuchar, a lot of
your critics are worried that if elected,
you’d spend most of your time making origami cranes
in the Oval Office. What’s your response? -As your President,
I will not fold. [ Laughter ] -Senator Gillibrand, what’s really going on with
President Trump? I mean, how did he get this way? -He had an allergic reaction
to eggs, and his whole body
turned red and puffy. [ Laughter ] -Senator Booker, what do you
think the inventor of the Roomba is going to do next? -Create a vacuum that’s
ultimately gonna destabilize the Middle East. [ Laughter ] -Mr. Yang, this is amazing. I heard that you recently
visited an alternate universe. How are things different there? -Donald Trump is an Asian man
who likes math. [ Laughter ] -Senator Sanders, I know you
love to skateboard. What would you say if the cops
busted you and your friends for skateboarding at the park? -This is not radical. [ Laughter ] -Senator Klobuchar, when my
family and I go out to dinner, we’re always full before
our entrees arrive. What are we doing wrong? -This is a bread and butter
issue. [ Laughter ] -Governor Hickenlooper,
be honest. What did you say after you lost
your virginity? -Thank you. And what a night.
I’ve loved it. [ Laughter and applause ] -Vice President Biden, I heard
you have all the Showtimes, all the HBOs,
and all the Cinemaxes. How much are you
paying for cable? -My plan costs $750 billion. [ Laughter ] -Senator Sanders, what’s it
like at a Cracker Barrel at 4:30 in the afternoon? -19 million elderly people
in it. [ Laughter ] -Senator Klobuchar,
when you walk your dog, where do you leave the dog poop? -Sitting on Mitch McConnell’s
doorstep. [ Cheers and applause ] -Senator Warren, I know
how they grow regular corn, but how do they grow
that tiny little corn you sometimes find
in Chinese food? -With small farmers. [ Laughter ] -Mayor Buttigieg,
what is President Trump’s favorite PornHub category? -Naked racism. -Well, it looks like
we’re out of time, so on behalf of all
the candidates, good night.


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