Jimmy Kimmel – Mayor of Dildo!
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Jimmy Kimmel – Mayor of Dildo!


BUT OUR FOCUS THIS WEEK IS NOT ON AMERICAN POLITICS. IT’S ON CANADIAN POLITICS. THIS IS A HISTORIC NIGHT. MOMENTS FROM NOW I WILL FIND OUT IF I WILL BE NAMED THE FIRST-EVER MAYOR OF A SMALL TOWN IN NEWFOUNDLAND, A TOWN KNOWN AS DILDO. THAT IS THE REAL NAME. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND I’LL SAY SOMETHING. WHAT STARTED AS A SILLY JOKE HAS TURNED INTO A SILLY JOKE THAT ABC SPENT LIKE $100,000 ON. SO, IN A WAY, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I’VE ALREADY WON. BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME YESTERDAY, YOU’RE REALLY MILKING THIS DILDO, TO WHICH I RESPONDED, MOM, YOU’RE BEING GROSS. BUT RUNNING UNOPPOSED, AT LEAST I THOUGHT I WAS RUNNING UNOPPOSED UNTIL YESTERDAY WHEN SOMEBODY DECIDED TO THROW PLAMA DAMON IN THE MIX, AND HE JUST RUINING EVERYTHING. BUT THAT’S POLITICS. YOU HAVE TO BE TOUGH, ONE THING I HAVE THAT MATT DOESN’T, A LOT OF THINGS I HAVE THAT MATT DOESN’T IS MY ADVANCE TEAM, MY SQUAD HAS BEEN IN DILDO ALL WEEK, KNOCKING ON DOORS, POSTING SIGNS, GETTING DRUNK WITH THE LOCALS, EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO DO, THEY’VE BEEN DOING. LET’S GO LIVE NOW TO THE WHARF WHERE GUILLERMO IS STANDING BY. HELLO, EVERYONE. NOW YOU’RE RIGHT, THERE’S A BODY OF WATER BEHIND YOU, CORRECT?>>YES, JIMMY!>>Jimmy: WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT BODY OF WATER BEHIND YOU?>>OH, WHAT’S THE NAME OF IT?>>DILDO COVE.>>Jimmy: DILDO COVE?>>YES.>>Jimmy: SO GUILLERMO, THIS IS YOUR LAST NIGHT IN DILDO. WHAT IS YOUR SENSE RIGHT NOW, A SINCE OF MELANCHOLY WASHED OVER YOU?>>I’M VERY SAD TO LEAVE THESE PEOPLE. THEY’RE VERY FRIENDLY, AND I LOVE THEM.>>Jimmy: HOW MANY OF YOU HAD EVER MET A MEXICAN BEFORE? OKAY, A COUPLE. ALL RIGHT. WELL, WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT THEY’RE MAKING YOU, WHAT, AN HONORARY CITIZEN, GUILLERMO?>>THAT’S RIGHT. WE ALMOST FINISHED.>>Jimmy: TELL US, THERE’S A TRADITION IN NEWFOUNDLAND CALLED SCREECHING IN. THIS IS A CEREMONY THAT MAKES YOU WHAT, DEAN, WHAT SPECIFICALLY?>>MAKES HIM AN HONORARY NEWFOUNDLANDER.>>Jimmy: A NEWFOUNDLANDER. LET’S GO THROUGH THE STEPS ONE MUST TAKE TO BE SCREECHED IN TO BECOME A NEWFOUNDLANDER, OKAY?>>WELL, WE GIVES THEM SOME TRADITIONAL NEWFOUNDLAND FOODS.>>Jimmy: OKAY.>>AND WE GIVES THEM A TASTE OF THE OCEAN WATER.>>Jimmy: ALL RIGHT.>>WE DOES A NEWFOUNDLAND JIG, A DANCE.>>Jimmy: A DANCE, OKAY.>>AND SOME NEWFOUNDLAND SLANG.>>Jimmy: AND GUILLERMO, WHAT SLANG DID YOU SFLAERN. >>IT GOES LONG MAY YOUR BIG JIM GROW.>>Jimmy: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?>>I THINK IT MEANS MAY YOU SELL GO FREE THE WIND?>>Jimmy: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? ALL RIGHT, I GUESS IT DOESN’T MATTER. BUT IS HE OFFICIALLY A NEWFOUNDLANDER NOW?>>OH, NO, NOT YET.>>Jimmy: RIGHT.>>WE GOT TWO MORE STEPS.>>Jimmy: OKAY, LET’S GO THROUGH THE STEPS. WE’LL DO THEM LIVE, SHALL WE? FIRST.>>FIRST YOU GOT TO KISS THE CODFISH.>>Jimmy: YOU GOT TO KISS THE COD, GUILLERMO. I WANT TO SEE TONGUE, TOO. ALL RIGHT. WAS THAT SUFFICIENT?>>THAT WAS OKAY.>>Jimmy: AND NEXT.>>THIS IS GOING TO BE HIS FAVORITE PART.>>Jimmy: OKAY. I’M GUESSING THIS INVOLVES DRINKING. YES, IT DOES. THERE WE GO.>>THIS IS NEWFOUNDLAND SCREECH.>>Jimmy: THAT’S CALLED SCREECH? AND WITH THIS TOAST I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED? WHAT HAPPENS? ALL RIGHT, TO DILDO!>>TO DILDO!>>Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, GUILLERMO, CONGRATULATIONS.>>THANK YOU, JIMMY!>>Jimmy: WE WILL MISS YOU. NICE. ALL RIGHT. WELL, THAT’S EXCITING FOR YOU, GUILLERMO, BUT IT’S TIME NOW FOR MY MOMENT OF TRUTH. I’VE BEEN CAMPAIGNING FOR WEEKS TO BECOME MAYOR OF DILDO. THEY’VE NEVER HAD A MAYOR BEFORE. THE DECISION IS NOT UP TO THE VOTERS. IT’S UP TO THE LOCAL SERVICE DISTRICT COMMITTEE. ALL SEVEN MEMBERS OF THE COMMITTEE ARE PRESENT. PLEASE RAISE YOUR HANDS, COMMITTEE MEMBERS SO WE KNOW WHICH ONES OF YOU. I NEED A MAJORITY TO WIN. I NEED FOUR OF THE SEVEN VOTES, AND ANDREW, YOU ARE GOING TO DO THE HONORS HERE. WHAT IS THE VERDICT, ANDREW? HOW DOES THE COMMITTEE RULE?>>WELL, WE’VE RULED CONDITIONALLY, THAT YOU WILL BE MADE HONORARY MAYOR.>>Jimmy: HONORARY MAYOR! THANK YOU! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THAT’S RIGHT. THE REGULAR MAYOR, THAT’S LIKE — THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I’M EXCITED, TOO. NOW WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DOES CONDITIONALLY MEAN? WHAT ARE THE CONDITIONS?>>WELL, WE’RE GOING TO GIVE YOU THE HONOR, BUT YOU’VE STILL GOT TO COME TO NEWFOUNDLAND AT SOME POINT.>>Jimmy: OH, I’M DEFINITELY, THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING, I’M DEFINITELY COMING, AND I WILL BE A FAIR MAYOR,LY BE A I WILL BE MAYOR. I WON’T HAVE TO DO ANY WORK AS MAYOR, WILL I?>>NO, THAT’S HONORARY.>>Jimmy: I AM HONORED TO BE THE HONORARY MAYOR. JOINING US IN DILDO, THE PREMIER OF LABRADOR. DWIGHT BALL IS THERE, HOW ARE YOU?>>HI, JIMMY.>>Jimmy: YOU CAME ALL THE WAY FOR THIS?>>I DID.>>Jimmy: PREMIER, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAY NEWFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR ARE DOGS, NOT PLACES?>>WELL, JIMMY, DOGS AND PEOPLE WE HAVE. BEAUTIFUL NEWFOUNDLAND DOGS. WE’RE KNOWN AROUND THE WORLD FOR GREAT LABRADOR DOGS, BUT AS GUILLERMO KNOWS AND YOUR STAFF KNOWS AND AS THE HONORARY MAYOR YOU NOW KNOW WE HAVE SOME OF THE MOST AMAZING PEOPLE ON EARTH.>>Jimmy: THAT IS FOR SURE. YOU’VE GOT WONDERFUL PEOPLE THERE. THEY’VE BEEN VERY NICE TO OUR STAFF. AND TO GUILLERMO, TOO.>>JIMMY, WE HAVE A KEY TO THE COMMUNITY. THAT WE’RE GOING TO PRESENT TO YOU.>>Jimmy: OH, GREAT.>>THROUGH GUILLERMO.>>Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THROUGH? WHERE YOU GOING TO PUT IT? OH, YOU GUYS — >>HE’LL ACCEPT IT ON YOUR BEHALF.>>Jimmy: BEND OVER. OH, LOOK AT THAT. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM HONORED BY YOUR HONORABLENESS. AND THANKS TO ALL OF YOU. BUT BEFORE WE GO, I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU, FROM YOUR SISTER CITY IN HOLLYWOOD. YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A VERY FAMOUS SIGN HERE, THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN. PEOPLE COME FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TO SEE IT, AND NOW THE CITIZENS OF DILDO WILL HAVE THEIR OWN SIGN, TOO. BECAUSE WE HAVE ERECTED THIS HOLLYWOOD-STYLE DILDO SIGN IN YOUR TOWN. AND THAT IS OUR GIFT TO YOU. SO CUE THE FIREWORKS. LET’S CELEBRATE THIS HISTORIC NIGHT. AND THERE WE GO, IT’S OFFICIAL! OH, LOOK AT THAT, HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT IS. OH, IT IS A BEAUTIFUL SUMMER NIGHT IN DILDO, NEWFOUNDLAND. THANK YOU ALL. THANK YOU, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN DILDO. YOU’VE BEEN VERY KIND. I’M PROUD TO BE YOUR MAYOR, AND I WILL COME TO VISIT MY FELLOW DILDODIANS VERY SOON, ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, THERE YOU GO.

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