George W. Bush Returns Cold Open – SNL
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George W. Bush Returns Cold Open – SNL


>>>AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM
FORMER PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH.>>>THANK YOU.
IT IS I GEORGE W. BUSH. AND YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THE W
STANDS FOR “WHAT’S UP”? I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.
WHAT THE HECK IS THIS HANDSOME DEVIL DOING BACK IN THE OVAL
OFFICE? WELL, THE TRUTH IS, THIS IS JUST
A SET. I HAD IT BUILT IN MY BASEMENT IN
TEXAS SO I CAN PRETEND TO STILL BE PRESIDENT SOMETIMES.
YOU KNOW THE WAY A COP MIGHT RETIRE BUT HE STILL FIRES HIS
GUN INTO THE WOODS BEHIND HIS HOUSE.
THESE ARE MY WOODS. AND THIS IS MY GUN.
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DRINK MORE WATER.
AND THIS MAKES IT — IT MAKES IT FUN.
NOW, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU HAVE BEEN READING THE NEWS LATELY.
I CERTAINLY HAVE NOT. I HAVE BEEN TOO BUSY DOING OIL
PAINTINGS, ACTUALLY GETTING MY M.F.A FROM
THE UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX ONLINE.
I CALL THIS ONE DOGGY GOES TO SPACE.
LIKE I WAS SAYING, I DON’T KNOW IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE NEWS, BUT
ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, MY APPROVAL RATING IS AT AN ALL-TIE
HIGH. THAT’S RIGHT.
DONNY Q. TRUMP CAME IN AND SUDDENLY I’M LOOKING PRETTY
SWEET BY COMPARISON. AT THIS RATE, I MIGHT END UP ON
MT. RUSHMORE NEXT TO WASHINGTON, LINCOLN, AND I WANT TO SAY
KENSINGTON. I DON’T KNOW.
THE POINT IS THAT I’M SUDDENLY POPULAR AF.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING MAN, I WISH GEORGE W. BUSH WAS
STILL OUR PRESIDENT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
SO I JUST WANTED TO ADDRESS MY FELLOW AMERICANS TONIGHT AND
REMIND YOU GUYS THAT I WAS REALLY BAD.
LIKE HISTORICALLY NOT GOOD. SO I GET WHY YOU DON’T LIKE THIS
CURRENT GUY. HECK, I VOTED FOR JILL STEIN ALL
THE WAY. BUT PLEASE DO NOT LOOK BACK AT
MY PRESIDENCY AND THINK “THIS IS HOW WE DO IT.
DON’T FORGET WE’RE STILL IN TWO DIFFERENT WARS THAT I STARTED.
HEY, THIS IS A GOOD ONE. HOLD ON.
WHAT HAS TWO THUMBS AND CREATED ISIS?
THIS GUY. AT LEAST THE STOCK MARKET IS
DOING WELL NOW. YOU EVER SEEN A GRAPH OF THE
STOCK MARKET DURING MY PRESIDENCY?
THE ONLY GRAPH THAT COMES WITH IT’S OWN SLIDE WHISTLE SOUND
EFFECT. LET’S TAKE A LOOK.
[ WHISTLE ] STOCK MARKET AT 26,000 RIGHT
NOW. I HAD YOU DOWN TO A COOL 8 K.
NOW I’M NO ECONOMER. BUT EVEN I KNOW THAT WAS NO
BUENO. AND YOU WANT TO COMPARE VPs FOR
A SEC. I HEARD YOU HAVE SOME COMPLAINTS
ABOUT MIKE PENCE. BUT IF YOU KNEW HALF THE STUFF
OLD CHENEY WAS UP TO, YOU TAKE NO CAKES FOR GAYS IN A HEART
BEAT. SOME SAY MIKE PENCE IS
HEARTLESS. BUT REMEMBER DICK CHENEY WAS
LITERALLY HEARTLESS. AT THIS POINT, IT’S JUST LEGOS
IN THERE. AND DONALD J. TRUMP THINKS THE
MEDIA HATES HIM. ONE TIME IN IRAQ A REPORTER
THROUGH AN ACTUAL SHOE AT ME. HE TOOK IT OFF OF HIS FOOT,
LOBBED STRAIGHT AT MY NOGGIN. THEN HE GATHERED HIMSELF, TOOK
OFF THE OTHER ONE AND TRIED IT AGAIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, SHOE ME ONCE, SHOE’S ON YOU.
SHOE ME TWICE, I’M KEEPING THOSE SHOES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] BUT I FEEL FOR YOU, DONNIE.
I REALLY DO. I’M NOT A — YOU KNOW I’M NOT A
TRUMP SYNTHESIZER. BUT WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
WE ARE BOTH THE EXACT SAME AGE. EVEN THOUGH I WAS PRESIDENT LIKE
40 YEARS AGO. WE BOTH WON THE ELECTION DESPITE
LOSING THE POPULAR VOTE. THOUGH BACK IN MY DAY, WE DIDN’T
LET RUSSIANS RIG OUR ELECTION. WE USED LET THE SUPREME COURT
LIKE AMERICANS. I GUESS THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME AND TRUMP IS THAT I HAVE FRIENDS.
PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE ME. I MEAN, HAVE YOU READ THIS NEW
BOOK “FIRE AND THE FURBIES. EVERYONE IN HIS CABINET HATES
HIM. I MEAN I STILL HANG OUT WITH MY
CABINET ALL OF THE TIME.>>MR. PRESIDENT.
>>CONDA RICE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>>I BROUGHT POPCORN. I THOUGHT WE COULD WATCH OUR
FAVORITE MOVIE AGAIN.>>OH YES, “MINNONS.”
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT GOT SNUBBED AT THE OSCARS AGAIN.
>>DID I INTERRUPT SOMETHING?>>NO, I WAS JUST ADDRESSING MY
FELLOW AMERICANS ON TWITCH. AND REMINISCING ABOUT THE GOOD
OLD DAYS WHEN WE WERE IN CHARGE.>>AH, YES.
THOSE WERE THE DAYS. ♪ BOY THE WAY THE GAME
WAS PLAYED EVERYBODY KNEW ♪
♪ THEIR PLACE CHENEY SHOT A GUY
IN THE FACE ♪ ♪ THOSE WERE THE DAYS
♪ THE HOUSE AND MARKET WENT TO HELL ♪
♪ NAZIS KEPT IT TO THEMSELVES SNOTS
♪ BIN LADEN WAS ALIVE AND WELL ♪>>>AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
“SATURDAY NIGHT.”

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