Did Trump End The Birther Controversy, Or Is That His Biggest Lie Yet?
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Did Trump End The Birther Controversy, Or Is That His Biggest Lie Yet?


YEAH, I’M VERY EXCITED. WE HAVE FIRST LADY MICHELLE
OBAMA ON THE SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT.>>Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS. I’M SO EXCITED. THAT’S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: SHE IS MY QUEEN. SHE IS LIKE THE BEYONCE OF
PEOPLE WHO WILL TALK TO ME. ( LAUGHTER )
GOING TO BE A GREAT SHOW. PLEASE JOIN US. BUT I’M ALSO REAL EXCITED FOR
OUR GUEST TONIGHT. CHRIS PRATT, SCOTT BAKULA, AND
FREDERIK THE GREAT, THE WORLD’S MOST HANDSOME HORSE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, DID YOU HEAR THAT?>>Jon: YEAH!>>Stephen: DO YOU FEEL THAT?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: THE EXCITEMENT IN
THIS ROOM IS PALPABLE. JIM, CAN WE PUT UP THE COUNTDOWN
TO HORSE CLOCK? (CLIP CLOP, CLIP CLOP, CLIP
CLOP) ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WE BORROWED THIS FROM CNN, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN
(CLIP CLOP) OKAY, JIM, CAN PUT THAT IN
SILENT MODE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND JUST TO WHET YOUR FREDERIK APPETITE, HERE’S A LITTLE TASTE:
WHY, HELLO THERE. WOW. WE’LL HAVE MORE ON FREDERIK THE
GREAT, AS THE STORY DEVELOPS. WELL, WE’VE HAD A LOT OF FUN
TALKING ABOUT HANDSOME HORSE AND TERRORISM TONIGHT, BUT THERE IS
SOME DISTURBING NEWS OUT THERE — DONALD TRUMP. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
ON FRIDAY, TRUMP MADE WHAT HE CALLED A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT:
>>PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN THE UNITED STATES. PERIOD.>>Stephen: THAT’S WHAT’S
CALLED A FIRM GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS. ( APPLAUSE )
NEXT HE’S GOING TO ANNOUNCE WATER IS WET, BEARS POOP IN THE
WOODS, AND DONALD TRUMP IS NOT QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT I’M NOT REALLY IRRITATED ABOUT THAT. IT’S EVERYTHING ELSE HE SAID ON
FRIDAY THAT STICKS IN MY CRAW. AND I JUST RECENTLY HAD MY CRAW
CLEANED. LISTEN TO THIS.>>HILLARY CLINTON AND HER
CAMPAIGN OF 2008, STARTED THE BIRTHER CONTROVERSY.>>Stephen: WHAT? ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THAT CLAIM SEEMS SUSPICIOUS. IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, I’D SAY
YOU WERE A– LITTLE HELP?>>WORLD CLASS LIAR.>>STEPHEN: THANK YOU.>>STEPHEN: THANK YOU. BECAUSE THAT CLAIM HAS BEEN
PROVEN FALSE BY POLITICO, CNN, ABC, NPR, AND “SNAPPLE.” ( LAUGHTER )
YEAH, THERE YOU GO. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT YOU WERE SAYING.>>HILLARY CLINTON AND HER
CAMPAIGN OF 2008, STARTED THE BIRTHER CONTROVERSY. I FINISHED IT. I FINISHED IT.>>STEPHEN: NO, YOU DIDN’T. NO, YOU DIDN’T. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I KNOW YOU DIDN’T BECAUSE I WAS ALIVE AND ON TV! BUT MEMORY’S A TRICKY THING. MAYBE I REMEMBER IT ONE WAY, AND
DONALD TRUMP IS A LIAR. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW THE
TRUTH. NO WAY, RIGHT? ULTIMATELY, THERE’S NO WAY TO
KNOW THE TRUTH UNLESS YOU HAVE VIDEOTAPE, WHICH WE DO. WHILE WE PLAY THE EVIDENCE, I’M
GOING TO DO A LITTLE WHITTLING. JIM?>>IF HE WASN’T BORN IN THIS
COUNTRY, WHICH IS A REAL POSSIBILITY — I’M NOT SAYING IT
DIDN’T HAPPEN, I’M SAYING IT’S A REAL POSSIBILITY — THEN HE HAS
PULLED ONE OF THE GREAT CONS IN THE HISTORY OF POLITICS. PEOPLE HAVE BIRTH CERTIFICATES. HE DOESN’T HAVE A BIRTH
CERTIFICATE. NOW HE MAY HAVE ONE, BUT
THERE’S SOMETHING ON THAT BIRTH — MAYBE RELIGION, MAYBE
IT SAYS HE’S A MUSLIM, I DON’T KNOW. I’VE BEEN TOLD VERY RECENTLY,
ANDERSON, THAT THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE IS MISSING. I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT IT’S NOT
THERE AND THAT IT DOESN’T EXIST. AND IF THAT’S THE CASE —
>>WHO TOLD YOU THAT?>>– THAT’S A BIG PROBLEM. I JUST HEARD THAT TWO DAYS AGO
FROM SOMEBODY.>>YOU SAID YOU HAVE SENT
INVESTIGATORS TO HAWAII, AND YOU SAID, “THEY CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT
THEY ARE FINDING.” WHAT IF THEY FOUND?>>WE’RE GOING TO SEE WHAT
HAPPENS.>>WHAT HAVE THEY FOUND?>>WELL, IT’S NONE OF YOUR
BUSINESS RIGHT NOW. AND YOU KNOW, HIS OWN FAMILY
DOESN’T KNOW THE HOSPITAL HE WAS BORN IN, IN HAWAII. HE’S GOT A GRANDMOTHER THAT
SAYS HE WAS BORN IN KENYA AND SHE WAS THERE!>>MANY PEOPLE SAY IT IS NOT
REAL, OK, THAT IT IS A FORGERY. WAS THERE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE? YOU TELL ME. YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT
WAS NOT HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE. I’M SAYING I DON’T KNOW. NOBODY KNOWS. AND YOU DON’T KNOW EITHER.>>HIS MOTHER WAS A U.S. CITIZEN
BORN IN KANSAS SO IS HE A NATURAL-BORN CITIZEN?>>WHO KNOWS, WHO KNOWS.>>STEPHEN: WOW. THAT TOOK SO LONG I WAS ABLE TO
CARVE RODIN’S “THE THINKER.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? “I’M THINKING HE’S A LIAR.” OH! WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR
OPINION, UNSUEABLE INANIMATE OBJECT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THAT WASN’T EVEN THE BIGGEST WHOPPER TRUMP PINCHED OUT.>>I FINISHED IT. I FINISHED IT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.>>STEPHEN: NO, I DON’T. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN. ONCE AGAIN, YOU ARE…>>LYIN’ L-Y-I-N’.>>STEPHEN: L-Y — OKAY. GOOD TO KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT. NOW, YOU MIGHT MEAN, IF I WAS
BEING CHARITABLE, IN 2011, YOU MADE OBAMA RELEASE
HIS LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE, THEREBY ENDING THE CONTROVERSY. BUT THAT’S A BIGGER LOAD OF
HORSE MANURE THAN THEY JUST HOSED OUT OF MY THIRD GUEST. TONIGHT, FREDERIK THE GREAT. AGAIN, COMING UP IN JUST– IT’S
— IN QUO’S 40 MINUTES AND 2 SECONDS. SO BEAUTIFUL! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SEE, I WATCH THE NEWS, SO I KNOW THAT OBAMA RELEASED HIS BIRTH
CERTIFICATE IN 2008, BUT THAT WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. YOU DEMANDED TO SEE A “LONG
FORM” BIRTH CERTIFICATE IN 2011. AND AFTER OBAMA RELEASED THAT,
YOU CALLED IT A FORGERY, CITING “ISRAELI SCIENCE” AND
ANNOUNCED YOU WERE SENDING A TEAM OF INVESTIGATORS TO HAWAII
TO UNCOVER THE TRUTH.” WHO WERE THESE PEOPLE THAT WE
NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN? WERE THEY A FAT CAPTAIN, HIS
FIRST MATE, A MOVIE STAR. AND THE REST? (PIANO RIFF)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THEN RIGHT BEFORE THE 2012
ELECTION, YOU ISSUED THIS CHALLENGE.>>IF BARACK OBAMA OPENS UP AND
GIVES HIS COLLEGE RECORDS AND APPLICATIONS AND IF HE GIVES HIS
PASSPORT APPLICATIONS AND RECORDS, I WILL GIVE TO THE
CHARITY OF HIS CHOICE A CHECK IMMEDIATELY FOR $5 MILLION.>>Stephen: FIRST OF ALL,
THAT’S A WEIRD THREAT. “YOU GOT A NICE PLACE HERE, I’D
HATE TO SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN TO IT, LIKE ME GIVING $5 MILLION TO
THE MARCH OF DIMES.” I REMEMBER THIS ONE LIKE IT WAS
YESTERDAY BECAUSE, BACK THEN, I HAD A SUPER PAC FULL OF SECRET
CAMPAIGN CASH. AND “I” OFFERED TO DONATE
$1 MILLION TO THE CHARITY OF YOUR CHOICE, IF YOU, DONALD
TRUMP, WOULD LET ME DIP MY (BLEEP) IN YOUR (BLEEP). ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: OH, OH!>>Stephen: I’M GUESSING THAT
IS GOING TO BE BLEEPED BY CBS. ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID, GO TO COMEDY
CENTRAL’S WEB SITE, I THINK IT’S THE OCTOBER 24th, 2012 SHOW,
LOOK IT UP AND YOU WILL HEAR WHAT I SAID. IT WAS A PRETTY FUN SHOW. NOW, FOR SOME REASON, DONALD,
YOU DID NOT TAKE THE DEAL. I’M GOING TO GUESS BECAUSE YOUR
(BLEEP) WAS ALREADY FULL OF VLADIMIR PUTIN’S (BLEEP). ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LIKE CAVIAR! LIKE CAVIAR! ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, LET’S TAKE ONE LAST LOOK AT WHAT YOU SAID ON FRIDAY.>>PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA WAS
BORN IN THE UNITED STATES. PERIOD.>>STEPHEN: NO, NOT PERIOD. QUESTION MARK! “(BLEEP) YOU”
EXCLAMATION POINT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ HERE’S THE DEAL! HERE’S THE DEAL! YOU DON’T GET TO FLOG THIS ISSUE
FOR FIVE YEARS AND THEN ACT LIKE YOU’RE CORRECTING EVERYBODY
ELSE! WE’RE NOT CRAZY. WE WERE THERE! WE ALL SAW YOU DO IT. EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT YOU
SAW YOU DO IT. IT’S “WHY” THEY SUPPORT YOU. BY THE WAY, NOW THAT YOU’VE
ADMITTED THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS BORN HERE, A LOT OF PEOPLE
THINK YOU OWE OBAMA A $5 MILLION DONATION. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE’S PROBABLY WAITING ON THAT CHECK RIGHT NOW. YOU KNOW, LIKE MOST OF YOUR
CONTRACTORS. OF COURSE, YOU PROBABLY WON’T
MAKE GOOD ON THIS BECAUSE THE “OTHER” OTHER THING YOU LIE
ABOUT IS GIVING MONEY TO CHARITY. IT’S ESTIMATED THAT A $5 MILLION
GIFT FROM TRUMP’S OWN POCKET NOW WOULD BE MORE THAN THE GOP
NOMINEE HAS GIVEN TO CHARITY IN THE LAST 20 YEARS, COMBINED. WELL, THAT IS EMBARRASSING. SO, MR. TRUMP, NOW’S YOUR CHANCE
TO PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS — OR, BARRING THAT,
THERE’S ALWAYS MY (BLEEP).

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