Articles

Dave Chappelle Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DAVE CHAPPELLE! ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, BEEN A LONG TIME. IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME.
SO PLEASE BE PATIENT. YOU KNOW, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT
DONALD TRUMP WAS GOING TO WIN THE ELECTION.
I DID SUSPECT IT. SEEMED LIKE HILLARY WAS DOING
WELL IN THE POLLS AND YET — I KNOW THE WHITES.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU GUYS AREN’T AS SURPRISED AS
YOU USED TO BE. AND I THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF
BLACK AMERICA WHEN I SAY THAT WE ARE ALL PRAYING FOR AMEROSA.
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE’S DOING IN THE NEWS.
BUT AMERICA’S DONE IT. WE’VE ACTUALLY ELECTED AN
INTERNET TROLL AS OUR PRESIDENT. THE WHITES ARE SERIOUS.
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. HAVEN’T SEEN WHITES THIS MAD
SINCE O.J. SCREAMING WHITE PEOPLE ON BOTH
SIDES, AAHHH! I’M NOT SAYING I’M ENJOYING IT,
I’M JUST SAYING I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE.
I WATCHED A WHITE RIOT IN PORTLAND, OREGON, ON TELEVISION
THE OTHER NIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
NEWS SAID THEY DID A MILLION DOLLARS’ WORTH OF DAMAGE.
EVERY BLACK PERSON WATCHING WAS LIKE, AMATEURS.
I’M STAYING OUT OF IT. IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE KAEPERNICK
AND LET THE WHITES FIGURE THIS OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WE’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, WE’VE
BEEN HERE BEFORE. HOW MANY OF YOU THINK IT’S THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING WE’RE DEALING WITH?
DON’T FORGET. DON’T FORGET ALL THE THINGS THAT
ARE GOING ON. SHOOTINGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? ALL THESE SHOOTINGS THE LAST
YEAR. THE WORST MASS SHOOTINGS IN THE
HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. PULSE NIGHTCLUB WHICH SHE SAID
ISIS DID. TURNED OUT THAT WASN’T EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED, THEN ISIS
IS SCARIER THAN I THOUGHT, BECAUSE THEY HAVE VERY DEEP
COVER OPERATIVES. GOING OUT DEEP FOR THIS ONE, I
MIGHT HAVE TO GET A GRINDER ACCOUNT.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUMP A FEW GUYS OFF TO THROW
THEM OFF THE TRAIL. WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE LEDGED
ALLEGIANCE TO ISIS BEFORE HE DID WHAT HE DID.
WHICH IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING IN ISIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE I WAS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH A GIRL, RIGHT BEFORE I DID
I SCREAMED OUT WUTANG. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M IN THE
WU-TANG CLAN. THAT JUST MEANS I’M SHOUTING
WUTANG OUT. MORE SHOOTINGS THAN I CAN
LITERALLY COUNT. YOU CAN’T EVEN GO TO THE GODDAMN
ZOO WITHOUT SEEING SHOOTING OUT THERE.
THEY SHOT A GORILLA AT MY LOCAL ZOO.
THE CINCINNATI POLICE SAID SHOOTING THAT GORILLA WAS THE
TOUGHEST DECISION ITS DEPARTMENT EVER HAD TO MAKE.
I SAID, YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE A LOT OF N — IN GORILLA COSTUMES
THEN. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT?
WHY DO WE HAVE TO SAY THAT BLACK LIVES MATTER?
NOW I ADMIT THAT IS NOT THE BEST SLOGAN.
BUT McDONALD’S ALREADY TOOK, YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I GUESS IT’S KIND OF CATCHY
BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS BITING IT.
EVEN THE POLICE BITE IT. BLUE LIVES MATTER.
WHAT, WAS YOU BORN A POLICE? THAT IS NOT A BLUE LIFE, IT’S A
BLUE SUIT. YOU DON’T LIKE IT?
TAKE THAT BLUE SUIT OFF, FIND A NEW JOB.
IF I COULD QUIT BEING BLACK TODAY, I’D BE OUT OF THE GAME.
THAT IS THE NEXT BEST THING, I BECAME A RICH BLACK PERSON.
WHICH IS HARDER THAN YOU’D THINK.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW. YOUR LIFE BECOMES GENTRIFIED.
LIKE BROOKLYN. ALL YOUR BLACK FRIENDS START
MOVING OUT, ALL THESE NEW WHITE FRIENDS START MOVING IN.
YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING THINGS TO FRIENDS YOU GREW UP WITH THAT
YOU NEVER DREAMED YOU’D SAY. SORRY, YOU CAN’T COME WITH US,
ONLY ENOUGH ROOM IN THE BALLOON BASKET FOR FOUR.
[ LAUGHTER ] DONALD TRUMP, HE DID IT.
HE’S OUR PRESIDENT. I FEEL BAD SAYING IT.
I’M STAYING AT THE TRUMP HOTEL RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DON’T KNOW IF HE’S GOING TO
MAKE A GOOD PRESIDENT BUT HE MAKES A SWELL HOTEL SUITE, I
TELL YOU THAT. HOUSEKEEPING COMES IN IN THE
MORNING, CLEANS MY ROOM. GOOD MORNING, HOUSEKEEPING.
GRAB A BIG HANDFUL OF PUSSY. BOSS SAID IT WAS OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] SORRY ABOUT THAT, LORNE.
ALL MY BLACK FRIENDS WHO HAVE MONEY SAID THE SAME THING WHEN
TRUMP GOT ELECTED. THAT’S IT, BRO, I’M OUT.
I’M LEAVING THE COUNTRY. I DO COMING WITH US?
NO, I’M GOOD, I’M GOING TO GET THIS TAX BREAK, SEE HOW IT WORKS
OUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT’S HOW IT IS BEING DAVE CHAPPELLE.
FIRST TIME I GOT SOME MONEY, DIDN’T WORK OUT LIKE THIS.
MOST UNLIKELY THING HAPPENED EVER, A BLACK PRESIDENT CAME OUT
OF NOWHERE. COME ON EVERYBODY, LET’S START
THINKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. I JUST GOT THIS MONEY!
I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE! TRUMP WENT TO GO SEE OBAMA LAST
WEEK, SEE THAT? YEAH.
YOU SEE TRUMP’S FACE WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE MEETING?
TRUMP GOT SONNED. HE LOOKED SHOOK.
LOOKED LIKE HE GOT SHOOK. PROBABLY CAME IN THERE, HOW ARE
YOU, MR. PRESIDENT? GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HELLO, DONALD. HOW YOU FEELING?
OH, GOD. GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS JOB LOOKS
LIKE IT’S GOING TO BE A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.
REALLY? IT’S NOT THAT HARD, AT LEAST YOU
GET TO BE WHITE WHILE YOU’RE DOING IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I’M JUST SAYING, I’M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
NERVOUS? COME ON MAN, RELAX, YOU HAVEN’T
EVEN MET THE ALIENS YET, IT’S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S GOING TO DO.
BUT I KNOW OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OBAMA DID A GOOD JOB. I THINK WE’LL ALL MISS HIM WHEN
HE’S GONE. DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND THANK GOD HE LIVED TO TELL
ABOUT IT. THIS IS THE FIRST BLACK DUDE
THAT EVER HEARD AMERICA’S SECRETS.
AND I’M HAPPY HE LIVED. IF — IF SOMEONE THREATENED OUR
PRESIDENT, THAT IS THE ONLY TIME THAT I’D WANT HIM TO BE STEREO
TYPICALLY BLACK. HE’D BE ON THE NEWS LIKE, AN
ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT WAS CARRIED OUT TODAY ON THE
PRESIDENT. IN A BIZARRE SERIES OF EVENTS,
THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF WAS ARMED. [ LAUGHTER ]
FIRED BACK. KILLING FOUR PEOPLE THAT HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INCIDENT. HE THEN RIPPED OFF HIS SHIRT,
SCREAMED OUT “CHI-TOWN” FOR SOME REASON.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, BEFORE I GO, I DO WANT
TO SAY ONE THING. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.
BUT I THINK IT’S IMPORTANT THAT I SAY THIS.
BECAUSE THEY’RE MARCHING UP THE STREET RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK.
A FEW WEEKS AGO I WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A PARTY.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I’VE BEEN THERE IN MANY YEARS.
AND IT WAS VERY EXCITING. AND B.E.T. SPONSORED THE PARTY.
SO EVERYONE THERE WAS BLACK. AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I WALKED THROUGH THE GATES. I’M FROM WASHINGTON, SO I SAW
THE BUS STOP, THE CORNER WHERE THE BUS STOP USED TO BE.
WHERE I USED TO CATCH THE BUS TO SCHOOL AND DREAM ABOUT NIGHTS
LIKE TONIGHT. IT WAS A REALLY, REALLY
BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. AT THE END OF THE NIGHT EVERYONE
WENT INTO THE WEST WING OF THE WHITE HOUSE AND IT WAS A HUGE
PARTY. AND EVERYBODY IN THERE WAS
BLACK. EXCEPT FOR BRADLEY COOPER, FOR
SOME REASON. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND ON THE WALLS WERE PICTURES OF ALL THE PRESIDENTS.
OF THE PAST. NOW, I’M NOT SURE IF THIS IS
TRUE, BUT TO MY KNOWLEDGE THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT THAT WAS
OFFICIALLY INVITED TO THE WHITE HOUSE WAS FREDERICK DOUGLASS.
THEY STOPPED HIM AT THE GATES. ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAD TO WALK OUT
HIMSELF AND ESCORT FREDERICK DOUGLASS INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT DIDN’T HAPPEN AGAIN AS FAR AS I KNOW UNTIL ROOSEVELT WAS
PRESIDENT. ROOSEVELT WAS PRESIDENT, HE HAD
A BLACK GUY OVER. AND GOT SO MUCH FLACK FROM THE
MEDIA THAT HE LITERALLY SAID, I WILL NEVER HAVE A N — IN THIS
HOUSE AGAIN. I THOUGH ABOUT THAT, LOOKED AT
THAT BLACK ROOM, SAY ALL THOSE BLACK FACES AND BRADLEY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I SAW HOW HAPPY EVERYBODY
WAS. THESE PEOPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HISTORICALLY DISENFRANCHISED. IT MADE ME FEEL HOPEFUL AND IT
MADE ME FEEL PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN AND IT MADE ME VERY
HAPPY ABOUT THE PROSPECTS OF OUR COUNTRY.
SO, IN THAT SPIRIT, I’M WISHING DONALD TRUMP LUCK.
AND I’M GOING TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
AND WE, THE HISTORICALLY DISENFRANCHISED, DEMAND THAT HE
GIVE US ONE TOO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A TRIBE CALLED QUEST IS IN THE BUILDING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] DON’T GO ANYWHERE, WE WILL BE
RIGHT BACK! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *