Competing for the Best Small Talk (feat. Justin Silver)
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Competing for the Best Small Talk (feat. Justin Silver)


– Um… we just had such a fun thing
coming in the building. – (laughter)
– Oh my God. – I saw Small Talk Dan. There’s clearly a–
there’s clearly– – Yeah, dude, I h–
– A big mama downstairs. – She loves me.
– Security guard who loves Dan. – She’s the only one on
the security staff that likes any of us.
– (Christine) Yeah, she’s cool. – She really likes Dan.
– You know who I’m talking– I always say hi to her.
We always say– I always say hi, and we always do
a little bit of small talk. – She– she blows
hot and cold with me. – All right.
– (Christine) She’s always very nice to me.
– And I can see that. – She can probably tell
from my pant leg up on my sweatpants that
I’m a straight up pimp and she probably don’t
play that shit. (Christine)
If you tell her you’re Isabella’s dad,
she’ll like you more. – You actin’ like you
all brand new. – Yeah.
– Oh, hang on, Black Lou. He can tell me what’s up.
– It’s hot and cold with you because she remembers you–
she was the lady that was talking to us in
the elevator when we got stuck. – Oh, really?
– She was like “who’s the one saying that we’re R. Kelly?”
– Oh, really? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Who the fuck told on me? – (Dan) I don’t know, I didn’t.
– She just knew my voice. – Yeah, she heard those
sweet pipes. – You think she just
heard me be hilarious since and goes “that must’ve
been him?” ♪♪ – Skankfest memories, everybody.
But as Dan walked by her, they did the “hello, hello,”
and then for no reason at all, she just engaged
some small talk. But like the shittiest kind.
– “Hot enough out there for ya?” – She goes– she goes–
yeah, she goes “how’s this weather
treatin’ ya?” Or no, what was it?
– “Hot enough out there for ya?” – She said “hot enough”.
– “Hot enough out there for ya?” That’s what she said?
“Hot enough out there for ya?” And then Dan does
this spin around and goes “yeah, you know,
it’s the humidity, really. The humidity is what gets you.”
And then right o– – Boom! Whoo! Step to me with small talk, get ready to get
small talked back to. – He nailed it.
– I’m Uncomfortable Dan. Yeah, I came in–
– Dan’s an awkward starter. – Jay saw that and right when
we got to the elevator I went yeah, I’m really good
at small talk. That’s the one–
it’s like a super– it’s like a superhero power from
being the son of a bartender. You just– I just kn–
it’s like my– I told Justin it was
like my handles like on an And One video.
– Oh yeah. – The way I can
small talk out of it. – I like you saying
if it’s your supe– if you’re a video game,
your small talk bar is all the way up.
– It’s all the way full. – The awkward starter, man,
we’ve said this for years now. – Yeah. ♪ I’m an awkward
fire starter ♪ – ♪ I’m an awkward starter ♪ (overlapping singing) – But you’re a good closer,
you’re a good close out and dip. – Yeah.
– ♪ Dan’s an awkward starter ♪ – ♪ And then I’ll leave
real quick ♪ – Yeah.
♪ Leaving instigator ♪ – One of my favorite
Colin Quinn jokes… – (laughter)
– Colin Quinn has that joke where he’s like I got on
the elevator with a neighbor, and they were like–
I tried to make small talk, I was like hey,
how about this weather? And he goes, “I don’t know, it’s the weather,
what do you expect?” Colin goes, “I don’t know,
maybe for you to engage “in some sorta small talk
’cause that separates us from the animals biting
each other’s cheeks off?” – (laughter)
– That’s just one of my fav– I w– ’cause I was– yeah,
I’m always that guy that’s like yeah, it’s– this humidity
is killer, though. You got a couple go-tos.
– Are you good in any scenario? – “Three-shower day today, huh?”
– I don’t know. Hit me with some.
You wanna sma– – All right, uh…
– A small talk challenge? – Ly– back of a Lyft–
Lyft Shared. – (scoffs) Back– I mean–
– You gotta be the guy? – How ’bout this
fuckin’ traffic, huh? – Oh, it’s pretty nuts, man.
Out by the bridge it gets worse. When’re they gonna fix it?
They’ve been putting that bridge in for years.
What’s up? Come at me! – Wow, that was good.
– Do the same line to me. – Uh, how about
this fucking traffic, huh? – I don’t know,
why are you cursing? Be a professional.
– (laughter) – All right,
can I get out here? – All right, a barbershop–
barbershop– waiting on the bench
at the barbershop. – Okay.
– Um… – Sup, man?
– He been cutting your hair a long time?
This is only my second time. – No, brand new.
– Oh, cool. – You know what I love?
It’s like “The Office” with Ricky Gervais
where he does the act-outs with the coach
and he’s like “sometimes the complaints
will be false” ’cause he makes it up.
– I’ll give you one more here. – All right.
– We’re waiting, we’re at an H&M, we’re waiting
to go into the dressing room– – Yeah.
– Right? So we’re waiting. – Sure.
– Good deals on these sweatshirts, huh?
– Yeah, none of ’em fit me. I need to leave.
– Oh. Dude, you’re nailing it, Dan.
– Can I give you some? – Yeah, come on.
– You’re at the world’s biggest gangbang.
– Sure. – You’re number 73,
number 74 behind you goes “hey, man, leave some
for me up there, eh?” – (laughter)
– And I go… (scoffs) I’ll let you know if
there’s any left. Wink. – (laughter) That’s good.
– You’re fucking killing it. – You’re in the pocket, man.
– I’m just fucking hitting– – Anybody, uh, 844-COMEDY9, if you wanna make
small talk with Dan. – (laughter) – Bring it!
Start small talk with me. – Someone’s on hold saying
“hey, waiting on hold’s to get on ‘The Bonfire’
is kinda wild, huh?'” – And then I go yeah,
but it’s worth it ’cause then, you know, you get
to talk to the whole crew. (screams)
– (laughter) – While we wait for the calls to start pouring in,
I’m sure, uh– everyone can’t wait to make
small talk with Dan– uh, our film crew
is here today. – Corey and Lynn.
– Corey and Lynn. Pornographer Corey, big hit.
– Smut peddler Corey. Yeah, it was–
man, it was– it was– very in– it was cool,
first off, that they were there. – So cool.
– And it was just like– – And can we shout out–
Lynn, can you shout the names of the other people
who came too? ‘Cause you guys had
a crew there with you. – You guys…
– (Lynn speaking off mic) – Hop on mic.
– (Lynn) Uh, let’s see. There was Chloe, Brian,
and Corey on camera. (Christine)
And Chloe worked on “What’s Your Fucking Deal?”
– (Lynn) Yes. – Nice.
– Kevin on audio. What is it, Baltz?
– (Corey) And a guy named Baltz. – Baltz.
– (Dan and Jay) Baltz! – (Lynn) Who was the gaffer.
– Yeah, dude. – Is he German?
– (Corey) Swiss. – Wow.
– (Lynn) Reese, who was our… uh, AC.
– Yeah. – And then Jamie,
Laurel, Desiree– – Sounds like a speech at
the end of the thing where you’re like “and if
there’s anybody else I forgo–” (overlapping chatter) – You get play-off music
from an awards show. – (Lynn) Everybody was great.
– Did you guys have a blast? – Yeah, we had a really fun t–
– Did you feel violated? – Not at all!
– Did anybody touch you? – It actually felt
like a safe space. – Did it?
– Yeah. – You know, ’cause I mean,
this is– this is kinda how we should
get into this topic, which is a major topic,
and we’ll pause for Small Talk with Dan.
– Yeah, we gotta pause a lot for Small Talk with Dan
because Lou is over there like he’s fuckin’ taking
eight calls for– “The president’s been shot.
The president’s been shot.” – So there is–
Skankfest is being reported on now in major outlets
like Newsweek and a couple other places saying
because Louis CK showed up and did a set they’re painting
Skankfest in a negative light. Kind of interesting
’cause you guy ar– you know, you work for
Comedy Central, you’re coming to film us
for Comedy Central which has their
Clusterfest going on. And you were there a–
they kinda made us look like the bad guys,
did you– did you feel in any way
that Skankfest was aggressive, alt-right, proud boy–
– (Lynn) No, not at all. Everybody was super cool.
– ‘Cause you don’t know, ’cause these are like our fans
and you’re like these are all great guys. It’d be like finding out, you know, one of your neighbors
like hit his kids. You’d be like “oh, fuck,
I didn’t know that. “When I was friends with him, I didn’t have
that working knowledge.” – Buddy, I’m sure we have
plenty of Trump supporter fans. – Sure, fine.
– And fucking left-leaning, extreme whatever.
– I bet there’s people that would n– not get along
at all politically that are fans of ours.
– Except that they’re at Skankfest.
– And Skankfest is a thing where it brings–
you’re seeing like– I was seeing Jimmy Martinez
and just like random people along with like Sam Morril,
you know, which I guess
you see him at the clubs. But like Michael Che,
Dulcé Sloan– – Jews, Muslims, everything.
– Everybody. – Well, I said I’d love
for this uninclusive thing t– I said with the things
we have to put out that are so funny–
one, we wouldn’t put this out ’cause it’s not filmed anyway. But Naked R– I mean,
we had a transgender chick on fucking Naked Roast.
It was like– – I guess I wanna start
with the Brooklyn Bazaar… – Yeah.
– I’m just– as someone that’s not– as someone that’s
affiliated with the festival as far as being
a performer there and had an amazing weekend,
you and Christine, it’s your festival,
it’s Christine’s festival… – It’s Christine,
Luis, and Rebecca– – …and Rebecca Trent’s
festival, and– – I’m like a, you know,
a figurehead, I guess– – Sure.
– It’s based off of our thing. – I would say in
wrestling terms, if this is AEW,
you’re Cody Rhodes. You know? She’s–
– I don’t get the reference but I’ll take it.
– Someone listening right now just heard that and they’re like
“Soder nailed it.” But what I mean is
it’s Christine’s festival, it’s Luis’ festival,
it’s Rebecca’s festival. We’re just participants. Justin…
– Yeah. – You know, we were
all there all weekend. – Mm-hmm.
– And, um, to read Brooklyn Bazaar coming out and making it sound
like Louis– like it was the opening scene
of “Dark Knight” and it was the bank robbery–
– Bullied his way in. – Yeah, like came in
and did a set is insane. It is insane.
– The club put an apology out for Louis performing.
In the apology– – Do you wanna bring it up?
– Bring it up, only because– and while you’re bringing it up,
bring it up ’cause I wanna make sure
I get these lines right ’cause there’s–
there’s a lotta lies. In the meantime,
I’ll answer these. – Let’s sma– you wanna
do some Small Talk with Dan? – And by the way,
when you answer th– when I answer these phones
and I say– – Hit me with your small talk.
– I say you’re on, start the small talk.
You’re gonna g– – Do they have to give
the scenario they’re in? – I’m telling you, you’re gonna
get 20 seconds with Dan Soder on all these phone calls.
– Hold on. (inhales) – We’re zipping through these.
– Hold on. – Get in your space.
Get in your space. – What’s up? What’s up?
What’s up? All right, do it.
– How are you? Uh, Todd from Vegas. You’re on Small Talk
with Dan Soder. –Crackle crackle.
– Crackle crackle. –Uh, you’re waiting in lineto sign the guest book
at a funeral.
Sorry for your loss,
how’d you know the deceased?
– Oh, I’m here with
my girlfriend, it was her grandma.
– All right. That’s good small talk, Todd. You’ve just been pleasantly
fucking occupied. – (laughter)
– This is so great. – Drew in PA. Start some
small talk with Dan Soder. –Yeah, so you walk in and–
you walk in and find
your wife cheating on you,
you start yelling, whatever,
she leaves the room,
you look over,
dude’s sitting in
the corner butt naked
putting on his socks,
looks up and says
so, how’d you and Mel meet?– Uh, man, just get
your pants on, but it was in college.
– Ah, that’s good. That’s good.
There’s no fight, he gets out. You realized the problem
you had was with her. – Yeah.
– Good small talk, Drew. – (laughter)
– Uh, all right, let’s get the Brooklyn Bazaar
thing up here. – This is my favorite thing
we’ve ever done. This is my favorite thing.
– I hope the whole show the phone lines just stay lit.
I promise you, everyone’s only getting
20 seconds with you. – Can we get
to the Bazaar tomorrow? – (laughter)
– Uh, Brooklyn Bazaar putting this on Facebook
on Instagram saying “Regarding Louis CK’s appearance “at Brooklyn Bazaar
the other night: “We would like to state that
this was a surprise appearance “and that the venue had
no prior knowledge that his performance
would occur.” – (Christine) True.
– “By the time “he was brought through
the side entrance by promoters
and put on stage–” – False. False.
– Time out. – He was there for hours.
– Hold on. “By the time he was brought
through the side entrance by promoters
and put on stage” makes him sound like
a circus animal. Let me tell you what happened.
– One, side entrance doesn’t exist.
– Yeah, there isn’t. You can’t get in from the side–
– They had to keep him wet the whole time…
– Like “Free Willy.” – Right.
– (imitates whale blowing) “We have to get Willy
on stage!” – Just pouring water bottles
in his blowhole. – “Quick, everyone,
show pornography to him “so he can masturbate
his way to the stage. He moves like a snail
through his own sludge.” He, uh, I walked into
the green room and Louis was talking
to my two best fr– two of my best friends,
Jate and Nay. Uh, Jate and Nay?
Nate and Jay. – Jate, Nay.
– I got excited. I got excited, sorry.
– Jate and Nay? – That was worse than
my intro of him. – No, it wasn’t.
No, it wasn’t. – Ah, fuck! – Uh… but it– it was
like one of those things, ’cause I knew List–
List told me, he was like “hey, I think
Louis’s coming by.” – He’s gonna come by.
– Yeah, he’s gonna come by and hang out, and I was like
oh, he’s not going up? He’s like “no, he just wants
to come by and hang out.” – Oh, Lacob? Jew? Were you guys
in the room for Louis? – Listen, dude…
– In the room, yeah. – Oh, you were in the–
yeah, goddamnit. – Lacob. Jew.
– (laughter) Lacob Jew. Lacob and Jew.
Um, so he was in the green room and he was just hanging out,
and you could see him kind of like relax.
– He told me, he said he wasn’t
gonna go on. He was asked if he wanted
to go on a couple times and then no one wanted
to bother him after that, and just let him know that
if he wants to go on, we’d be thrilled
and anything you want. But if you wanna just hang,
just hang, ’cause he came– he came legitimately to hang.
– Yeah. – Now, I mean, every comic
had the feeling that when he gets there
and sees the vibe like he’s gonna wanna do it,
let’s hope so. – Well, that’s also one of
the best parts of Skankfest is– and I think Corey
and Lynn can agree… – Every year.
– …the excitement that the fans have for
the shows themselves and the people on the shows
is very contagious and very authentic.
– Jeff Ross has never been booked on Skankfest,
there every year. Every year, ’cause he always
seems to be coming into town– (Christine)
Like one year it was “Roast Battle” filming,
and then Clusterfest, it’s always like he has
a big shoot conflict with it and somehow he always
like comes and makes it. – The last day he comes always,
just to show up. – Yeah.
– (Christine) He came and crowdsurfed the last night.
– Oh my God, yeah. – Well, let’s get to it.
“He was… by the time he was
brought through the–” talking about Louis CK–
“By the time “he was brought
through side entrance “by promoters and put on stage, “it was too late
for our staff to stop it. “Management felt stopping it may
put our staff in danger because of the large crowd.” (with English accent)
I write to you, Georgetta, letting you know that
the war is over. Louis CK is gone
and in his wrath lay only broken
and fallen soldiers. – Danger from the large crowd.
– That is fucking crazy– – I can tell you
what’s for sure, the staff there,
blown away with excitement… – Yep.
– …that he walked through the front doors,
and also with him going on stage,
blown away with excitement. – Let me–
– G– go ahead. – I just wanna read
this sentence one more time. “Manag–” and this is– “Management felt
stopping it may put our staff in danger because
of the large crowd.” (Christine)
By the way, stopping it would’ve been coming to me,
Christine Evans, and Rebecca Trent.
– And lighting him. – So the lie to be
put out that they thought coming to us to tell us “hey–”
by the way, there was no– no-fly list, we were not told
nobody could perform, they knew we were
gonna have drop-ins, and everybody there seemed to be
super excited he was going on. (overlapping chatter) – If he was frantically lit
by one of us, he would’ve quietly–
it would’ve seemed like Louis CK did five minutes. It is fucking infuriating. Ryan in Miami,
Small Talk with Dan. –Hey, guys.
– Hey, Ryan. –Hey, can we– I actually
have one for you.
Can you do
the gangbang one again?
– Huh?
Just set it up?The gangbang one, can you
just set that up again?
‘Cause I have one for you.
– You’re number 73 in a gangbang, 74–
– I get it, yeah. Go ahead.
Yeah. Oh, man.How about they let
Mandingo go first?
By the time I get there,
it’s gonna be like
getting the last of the jelly
out of the jar, am I right?
– Oh, man, yeah,
it’s gonna be like walking on a Slip ‘N Slide.
– (laughter) –Ugh, no feeling whatsoever.
– Yeah, but we still got it. Knuckle pound.
– Good small talk. Oh, Liz.
Liz in South Carolina. Little small talk with Dan? –Hey, y’all, yeah.
Um, okay,
so you just got arrested,
I’m the female officer,
and you have to bend over
and cough.
So, what’re you in for?– (exhales) Speeding. – (laughter) –All right.– Good small talk, Liz. Um, go ahead, Dan, I’m sorry. – Um, anyways,
back to the apology from Brooklyn Bazaar.
(laughter) (Christine)
Every time I read another sen– I’ve tried to stay off
social media completely over
the last few days. If anything with the fucking
Legion of Skanks and Milo situation taught me,
it’s better just to not look. (with English accent)
– Louis CK threatened the lives off all of our staff–
– Do you know how many people Ari Shaffir put his dick on
this weekend without asking? – A lot.
– And Louis CK’s the problem? – Yeah. He’s the problem?
– Turn your focus, everybody. – You wanna hit ’em
with the falling down? – Down with Ari Shaffir.
– And I’m the bad guy? Ari Shaffir put his asshole
on another man. – Louis CK should just throw
Ari Shaffir under the bus hard. – Oh, dude, that’d be great
– Why is this guy here? – Oh, come on, dude!
(makes horn honking sound) – “We would first like
to apologize to our community and staff for what occurred–”
Dude, do you know what occurred? – Sorry, staff.
Sorry, staff, for seeing all that
awesome comedy. Dave Attell interviews.
– You saw Dave Attell give a first
long form interview. You watched fucking
Gilbert Gottfried, you watched all these
legendary comedians– – Bill Burr played the drums.
– Yeah, you’ve got– – Bill Burr. Oh, Christ,
Bill Burr was there. – Oh, no! What else!
Also you got to se– – It’s the second club that said
Bill Burr not welcome. – Yeah.
– The whole thing too, it’s like the–
right after– this was my favorite tweet–
right after Louis went on, Bonnie McFarlane went on stage and called Louis CK
a pervert. – Hang on, guys, we gotta
regroup here, I think. Brian in Chicago, have a little
small talk with Dan Soder. –Crackle crackle.
All right, you’re at
the urinal in
the Comedy Store,
and Gilbert Gottfried
walks in and says
“so, ‘Billions’, have you
fucked the bald chick yet?”
– Oh, no, man, that would
ruin our friendship. – Good small talk, Brian. (as Gilbert Gottfried)
“I wanna know “if you’ve banged
that bald woman. “Have you had sex with her? What was it like?”
Not a bad Gilbert. – That was a fantastic Gilbert,
I tell ya– – The bald woman kinda
looks like Gilbert now, though. – (as Gilbert) “I…”
– (as Gilbert) “I– look, I coulda had that part.” – Buddy, you just
bought yourself one more small talk.
Ben in Minnesota, a little small talk
with Dan Soder. –Crackle crackle.
And happy birthday, Sod.
– Hey.
Hey, uh, both–you’re in a locker room,
and you got your towel on.
A guy comes up to you,
puts his foot on the bench
and says “how’s it hangin’?”– Oh, man, better for
you than me, huh? All right, I gotta get outta here.
– Oh, good escape, too. Good small talk, Ben.
Good small talk. – Sometimes movement
is more important. All right,
back to the apology. All right.
“We will make sure “to be more clear when
discussing our guidelines “and policies
with outside events and to vet these events
more thoroughly…” – Yeah, give us
a good talking to when we just made them
a ton of money. – Go to 411 comments, let’s see
what the people are saying. “I wish everyone
would pull up their big boy and big girl
panties and grow the hell up.” All right, Kathleen!
– Kathleen! – Your loss.
“Skankfest is likely “your biggest draw,
and how can you “vilify Louis CK one moment
and charge $15 “for a Red Bull vodka the next? “7.5 million for an outdated,
falling apart “fire hazard of
a Polish catering hall? “You should be happy
if anyone books there. “Stop worrying about
the talent on the stage “and start worrying about
having enough toilets for 1,200 people.”
That was Travis Jordan. – Travis Jordan.
– What else you got? Juan Mateos?
“He didn’t commit a crime, he had consen–”
oh, Jesus, Juan. Come on, get out of here.
– (laughter) – He’s getting too much
into it now. – Juan? (whistles)
Beat it. – I mean, it bums me out. While we’re
figuring out comments, Steve in Washington DC,
have a little small talk with Dan Soder.
– Hey, what’s up? –Hey, Danny,
happy birthday, buddy.
– Thanks, buddy.
Hey, uh, you see thatEagles of Death Metal
documentary yet on HBO?
– (exhales)
Watched it twice, man. It’s a tough watch.
I know.I recommended it to you
the last time you were in DC.
– Now you’re locked.
Now you’re locked. Now you’re locked
in conversation. – Yeah.
– You didn’t dip out fast enough.
Steve… – Steve.
– Decent small talk. – Decent small talk.
– What’s happening– um, which is awesome–
is a lot of the comics that were on the festival
are just l– we haven’t defen– we haven’t
had to defend ourselves at all. Which is great,
and I think we just owe our fans an apology
to the Brooklyn Bazaar because the way
that the Brooklyn Bazaar is making our fanbase
out to be when it’s– I mean, we had like grown men
crying tears of joy. We had people working together. Corinne Fisher
just put this out. She said “I’ve never seen– “I’ve never seen men
be more scared of women than at Skankfest
in a good way.” – I almost heard you do it.
– Yeah. – “There was a time when
I thought they were the problem, “then I smelled them and saw
their bellies filled “with ballpark franks
and was so happy “they have this comedy fest
because they’re misfits just like the rest of us.”
– That’s a beautiful statement by Corinne Fisher. And yeah, man, it is. It’s like
everyone that wasn’t there has these like–
these very staunch opinions about Skankfest
and you’re like what the fuck are you
talking about? If you would’ve been there,
it felt like a fun comic book convention.
– It’s like camp. – Well, I mean, really,
who needs opinions when you got small talk.
– Here’s the whole part about small talk: you never
can stop your feet. – Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it’s gotta be that smooth. It’s gotta be that smooth.
– If you stop your feet, you’re not small talking.
– It’s like a look back at most. You’re like all right,
I’m gonna… – That’s how you continue it… – Right, at an angle
and point. – She hit me with a–
she definitely– she hit me with a double arced
small talk downstairs. – Like, I gotta–
– It was a “how you doing?” “Good.” “Hot enough for you?”
“Mostly humidity getting me.” Ba-ba-ba, it’s like–
– But everyone’s saying hi or crackle crackle, you’re
getting that motion still. – Sure, but it’s–
– It’s a two volley fuckin’– – Yeah, it’s word tennis.
– It’s like an arm length away. You can like pat ’em
on the last word. – (making tennis volley sounds)
– And ba-ba-ba. – (imitating players grunting) (imitations continue) – (laughter) – Brent in Texas.
Small talk with Jay? –Crackle crackle.
– Crackle crackle. –All right, you’re in
a backroom focus session
that turned into
a bukkake session
on one of the staff.
– Mm-hmm. –Oh, looks like
you had a good hand.
– Yeah, well, if you
ain’t going first, you’re going last, right?
Hey, I’ll be in line. – Great. Great.
– Was that good? – That was good, that was good.
– That was much better. – That was really good.
Let me g– let me get one. – I didn’t feel like
that one was good. – Come on, dude.
– No, that one was really good. – Well, here’s great news, is the rest of everybody
wants to talk to you. Um, oh. Trevor in Canada,
small talk with Dan? – (laughter) –(voice breaking up)– Oh, he was eaten by a bear.
I gotta kee– – (laughter)
– These are dangerous parts. – I’ll fill it in.
Uh, you guys eve– you guys got good disco fries,
you ever try poutine? – Oh, yeah, man, uh,
I had it once in Montreal. Pretty good.
Oh, my bus is here. – (laughter)
– (footsteps sound effect) – I’ll give you another one.
– I’m a good set-up guy. – Yeah, the walking noise
is great. – Oh…
– To get outta there. – Let’s see if you could
have Hollywood– let’s see if you can have
Hollywood, showbiz small talk, everyone.
– All right. – Tony in Los Angeles.
– (Dan) Oh. – Small talk with Dan?
Yo, Dan-o.– Hey, what’s up, Tony? –Hey, man, I heard you
played a little football
back in high school, eh?
– Yeah, man, outside linebacker. But I couldn’t do nothin’–
Outside?– Yeah.
Mike linebacker here.– Oh, man, see, you got all
the responsibilities. They trusted you with the plays.
– Nope, too late, it’s over. You’re in.
– You’re in. – He got ya.
– God damn you, Tony! – You gotta pivot.
– You sticky son of a bitch! – You win, Tony.
– It can’t end like this. I have to end on a positive.
Do I geta free pizza or something?
– No, but you just win. – No, no, you just had a far too long conversation
with Dan Soder. – You stu–
you stumped the goose. I don’t even know
what that means. – Thanks for the call,
you stumped the goose, Tony. – You made him miss the elevat–
– Tony, you stumped the goose. – (laughter) – Tony, you stumped the goose.
– Like, it means nothing. – We are becoming every radio
show we’ve ever made fun of– (mock disc jockey voice)
– Are you guys ready to stump the goose?
– Stump the goose. Um, this is pretty funny.
I’ve been reading some of the comments–
– Justin’s gonna wig out. Justin’s gonna wig out if you
don’t end it on a positive. – Yeah, we’ll be fine.
– It’s my OCD. – Your OCD is crazy.
– Can you really just do one m– – You gonna make him
lick all the microphones? Or you wanna just
take one more call? – I get so upset
when it ends like that. – All right, one more.
– And people, keep calling in, everyone.
– Good pivot, keep moving,
and get it out quick. – Yeah, I need you there–
you’re like my pitching coach. – Good pivot.
Acknowledge, pivot, out quick, keep moving.
– All right, let’s do it. – Ready? Go.
– Andy in Indy. A little small talk with Dan? –Crackle crackle, guys.
– Crackle crackle. – Good start. –So, Dan, you’re at
a 49ers game.
Jimmy G just goes down with
another apparent knee injury.
The guy sitting
next to you goes
“oh, man, that looked rough.”– You’re telling me,
I gotta call my grandma and tell her,
I gotta get out of here. – Okay, that was good.
– (Justin) Really good, wow. – That was good small talk.
– I can relax. – (footsteps sound effect)
– The footsteps! The fucking footsteps.
(laughter) – The footsteps made
the whole thing. If you get a good one,
it’s like hearing the crack of the bat
and it’s like– that’s the footsteps.
– You’re wearing office shoes. – (laughter) – But if you get away from it,
you know what I mean, it’s like “tong” if you get
a good small talk. – Eulias in Dallas, you’re having a little
small talk with Dan? –All right, so, Dan,
you’re standing in line
in a Chipotle,
you’re completely
out of comedy, you know
nothing about the comedy world.
Guy standing in front of you
is wearing knuckle gloves,
a wallet chain, and a bandana
out of the back pocket,
turns around and says,
“hey, man, you ever
fucked a black guy
or an Asian?”
– Yeah, I don’t know, I got
burritos on my mind, buddy. Actually, you know what?
I gotta go feed the meter. I’ll be right back.
– (footsteps sound effect) – It was a good dip out,
but you r– you didn’t really– that guy’s waiting for you
to come back to clarify what the hell
you’re talking about. – I said I got burritos
on my mind. – Yeah, but that means almost
like you didn’t listen to him– (overlapping chatter) – This jerk-off’s got
a wallet chain and knuckle gloves on,
he’s probably gonna be like “hey, what was with that
weird like dip out?” – I go no, no, no,
you want me to small talk back? See if I can double fold?
– But now you’re engaged. – No, ’cause watch me
get back out of it. – What was that?
I feel like you just didn’t wanna like talk before.
– Had to feed the meter. You know what? I picked
the wrong Chipotle. I’m meeting my friends
at another one. – This guy’s like–
– A little engaged, Dan. – (footsteps sound effect)
– Yeah, you’re engaged. – Lou, inappropriate use
of steps, he engaged. – All right, we’re learning,
we’re learning. – (air horn sound effect)
– (Jay) You know, why don’t we give a little bit–
let’s go to break. I wanna, uh–
why don’t we ta– Justin should get
some wax here. Small Talk with Justin?
– Yeah, we’ll see– yeah. – In fact, how about this,
let’s open it up. – You wanna throw me one?
– Ready? Here we go. – Yeah.
– We’re both audience members at the Brooklyn Bazaar.
– Sure. – Louis CK gets on stage.
– Yeah. – Shit, you don’t
see this every day. – Insane. I gotta get
a drink for this. – Perfect!
– You can’t, though. They would’ve
not let you back in. – There was a back bar.
– Bar in the room. – Back bar.
– Bar in the room. – Okay.
– Point, Soder. – I’m gonna– I’m gonna open– I’m gonna blow this
wide open and say you can try to small talk with
anybody on the staff. – Lou? Black Lou?
– Ooh! – Pornographer Corey, Lynn.
– Lynn! – Anybody else in this room.
– Welcome to Small Talk Tuesday
on “The Bonfire.” – Small Talk Tuesday.
– Bring your small talk. Small Talk with Jacob?
– I’m learning so much today. This is actually
really good for me because I-I’m trapped
like a prisoner when somebody starts small t–
– Well, I bet the phones are gonna start raining down
for Jacob small talk. – But Jacob, I could help you.
Jacob, I can help you. This’ll be good. No!
– I don’t know how to end it. I can’t get out of it.
– Jacob, here we go, watch. You’re on– you’re in
the operating room to get neck surgery, eh? The guy next to you,
same situation, you go– – (Jay) What?
– You’re in the operating room to get neck surgery.
– And there’s another guy in the operating room with you
with the same problem? – No, they have the–
you’re in– you know, they have
the double rooms. – For surgery?
– Yeah, after surgery. – It’s the prep room.
– You said the operating room. – I’m sorry, after surgery–
– Hospital room. – Hospital room,
that’s what I meant, right? (overlapping chatter) – That wouldn’t have been good
small talk, that would’ve been me going what the fuck
are you talking about? There’s no double
operating room. – Jay is our loca– our
fantasy location coordinator. – Thank you for fact checking.
Ready? Shit, I haven’t
looked left in a month. – Yeah, I hear you. – That’s it! That’s it!
– That’s it. – I can’t walk away,
I’m in a hospital bed. – Let me get some wheel…
(laughter) – He’d have to
wheel himself out. – No, someone else wheels–
– Jacob, it was– it was perfect, you just need
to put more oomph in that “yeah, I feel you.”
– Want me to give it to you– – You know what you do?
You fuckin– you drop it. – “I feel you.”
– (Jay) Don’t do it. – Drop it.
– You have to give him the whole set up.
– (Jacob) Yeah, I hear you. – All right, so you’re
at the hospital again. Justin is laid up,
you’re laid up, right? And… go. – Shit, I haven’t
looked left in a month. – Yeah, I hear you.
– Perfect. – (woman screaming
sound effect) – Yeah, you’re putting him
in some pain. Pain. – That would be
my only response. – (imitates woman screaming) – Hey, oh my god, is your neck
killing you too? – (imitates woman screaming) – (woman screaming
sound effect) – (imitates woman screaming) – (woman screaming
sound effect) – Uh, we’re gonna
take our break. We’ll be right back,
it’s “The Bonfire.” – Still?
– That second one. That’s my favorite.
– (laughter) (fire crackling) – Mike in Denver. Small talk with Jacob? –All right, so you’re
in an elevator
after a job interview.So how’d it go
in there, man?
– Uh, yeah, I think
it went pretty well. – You’re locked in.
You’re dead. You’re dead. – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– You’re dead before you even started.
– See, I don’t– – God damnit, Jacob.
You are fucking dead. – Can I take this one?
Yeah, all right, you know what? – M– Mike in Denver?
– Queue that back one up, and this one Justin Silver’s
gonna show Jacob what he should’ve done
in small talk. – Say it to me again, buddy.
– Mike in Denver, small talk with Jacob?
With Justin? –So how’d it go
in there, man?
– Ah, you know
how these things are. Fuck, I gotta take a shit. – Ooh, that’s not bad.
– (Dan) Let me step in there. – You’re stuck in the elevator,
but it makes the guy probably stop talking you.
– You are also dead in the water.
– Why? – You haven’t left
a good impression. You haven’t left
a good impression. – You wiggled out with the
“you know how those things go.” Loved that.
– That was good? – You gotta shit,
now this guy thinks you’re an active volcano, man.
– Oh! Now I understand. – Nope, it’s gone.
– I’ll try another one soon. – (Jacob) That starts another–
– I can’t end on a negative. – This wasn’t your fault, Mike.
It was a good scenario, Mike. I’m not blaming you for that.
– Fuck, man! – Good small talk.
Good small talk, Mike. Bad small talk, Justin.
Bad small talk. – Why don’t you throw me one?
Why do– why d– – Let me see it again.
– You want a piece? You wanna get a little piece
right here? Hey, John in Louisiana.
You’re from the Bayou and you’re having
small talk with Dan. –Thanks, guys.
Happy birthday, Dan.
– Hey, thanks.
Okay, you’ve justbeen arrested and you’re
sitting in a holding cell.
And you just meet
your cellmate.
He says “you come here often?”– (laughter) No, I hope I don’t stay long. All right, I’m gonna
go use the bathroom. – (footsteps sound effect)
– Lotta problems with that, Dan. You’re– you’re sitting
in the bathroom with him– – Sure.
– Because it’s a cell. – I’m walking over
to the toilet. – Yeah, but you’re not
just gonna start ripping shit
in a holding cell. – No, I’m gonna piss.
– Yeah, but you’re no– – It’s a power move.
– You’re not away from him. – Jay–
– You’ve laughed at his joke– can I just– I’m giving you
constructive. You laughed at his joke.
You laughed at his joke… – Yes, that’s part
of small talk. – No, no, no, no.
– Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Small talk is very–
listen, break it down to that thing where she said
“hot enough for ya?” I went ha, it’s the humidity. Do you think that’s
really making me laugh? – He’s gonna– he’s gonna keep ripping jokes
with you all night. He’s gonna keep doing all that
stuff, you know what I mean? – See, that’s why my
“take a shit” is good, ’cause you get him out of there.
– “Hey, which one of us is the husband, right?”
(sarcastic laugh) “Oh, boy, right?”
– No, man, I said I hope I don’t
stay in here long. I think I’m out.
– I thought that part was really good.
– I’ll dial that play up… – “Hey, Dan, you awake?
Is this a fart or my mouth?” (blows raspberry)
– Ha, I hope it’s your mouth just for your butt’s sake.
All right, I gotta– I got yard work in the morn–
– I gotta catch some Z’s. – I gotta press some…
– I tell you what, prison holding cell,
it’s almost impossible to make small talk.
– But if anyone can do it, it could be me.
– If anyone can do it. You know, while we’re at it,
Lou in Ohio, you want a little small talk
with DJ Lou? –Crackle crackle, Lou.– (laughter) – He just doesn’t
look at him! – (laughter continues) – Is that what you would do,
just a leering stare? “Hey, crackle crackle, Lou.”
– Oh, “crackle crackle” is the small talk?
– No, but you can say it back to him before he gives you
the scenario. “Crackle crackle.” “Who are you
and what do you want?” – (laughter) – Now the cards are stacked
against me, aren’t they? – Let’s go.
– (laughter) – I’m sorry, I’ll res–
let me reset, let me reset. – That leering stare.
– Gee, he goes “crackle crackle” and he went…
(sighs menacingly) – (laughter) – I thought you had a–
I thought you had a– I thought you had one
of those silent seizures. – And then he goes
“well, let’s go.” – “Let’s– let’s go
with it, buddy. What do you wanna say to me?
Wanna ask me about the weather?” – All right, all right.
Come on– – The thought in my head
of just stepping in an elevator and him being like
“hey, man, how you doing?” And Lou just staring at him–
– The guy’s looking at you. No headphones in.
– (laughter) – All right, try again.
Try again. – All right, uh, hey,
Lou in Ohio. Small talk with DJ Lou?
Crackle crackle DJ Lo–– Crackle crackle, camper!
Fantastic.Um, quick question,
how does it feel
to work with the venerable
Dale Griffin who just
got shouted out on
ESPN Radio the other day?
– Uh, Dan and Jay
are pretty much a team. You know, I gotta go,
I gotta make some sound drops. – (Jay) No, that’s just–
– That question was not small talk-y by nature,
that’s not your fault. – Yeah, small talk’s also–
this is someone you don’t know, it’s gotta be someone
you don’t know. (overlapping chatter) Good shot at small talk,
Lou, but I will say you probably brought one of
the hardest cheek laughs I’ve had today.
– Dude, I– – By having DJ Lou
just freeze on a dime at your straight-up
salutation. Uh, “gagootz”.
– Rashad Williams tweeted “as a gay person of color,
I wanna say that I felt safer “with the Legion of Skanks fans
at Skankfest NYC “than I did walking down
the streets of New York. “Luis J. Gomez created
an environment “of acceptance and comedy,
whoever doubts that knows nothing about either.”
– Hell yeah. – Yeah, dude. What’s up?
– Gay and black? Hell yeah. What an endorsement.
Captain D, a little small talk
with DJ Lou? Captain D,
small talk with DJ Lou? –Yeah, um,
so I’m picking up my kid
from the little church daycare
that he goes to.
And, you know, pedophilia.
Kind of an issue, huh?
(Corey Feldman recording)
I can tell you that
the number one problem
in Hollywood was,
and is, and always
will be pedophilia.
– You guys texted each other,
Captain D. You guys worked together
as a team there. – (Dan) That’s a setup.
– You guys– you Papoose brothers
just worked that out with us. – That’s juiced.
– I feel like– – You guys are like
the Oakland A’s in ’89. You’re on the juice.
– I feel like you can’t go in with these heavy topics. The weather thing is like
ah, it’s weather. – That’s what I’m saying–
– That’s what it is. – No, there’s some good
freaky ones. – Josh Homme’s
an engaging topic though. – Yeah, you can’t even do that.
– If somebody tried to start small talk
in the waiting room of an abortion clinic?
That was a good one. That was a good one.
– Yes. It has to be a stranger. It has to be
a generic situation that you need to get out of.
– Everyone’s coming in being– – I wanna teach young Jacob
how to get out of awkward small talk–
– It’s not small to go “DJ Lou, Pearl Jam sucks dick.
What do you think?” – Basically, if I were
to run a small talk, uh, self-defense course,
that’s the way I’d do it. (exhaling)
Can you not get out of small talk?
(exhaling) Let the White Winslow
teach you how. – (Justin) Pivot.
– Love you, Captain D. Um, let’s find out
if you have the touch here. Uh, let’s see if you can deal…
– (rapid exhales) – …with Will from Arizona. Small talk with Dan? –Hey, guys, crackle crackle.
– Crackle crackle. – (Justin) Good start.
Hey, I gota small talk for Jacob.
– (sighs) – People are not
paying attention. –Hey, uh, hey, Jacob.You and I are at
a NASCAR race
right in front of one
of those big ol’ trailers
that sell all
the race car swag, right?
– Mm-hmm.
Okay, hey, uh–– So far I wanna stay there. –Hey, man, did you ever notice
that Joey Logano’s got
that blue patch
on the back of his car?
You think that’s Viagra?You think Joey’s got
a problem getting a hard-on?
– I think Joey’s
doing all right. I gotta go, man.
– (Dan) Not bad. – No, that sou–
I don’t think it was good. That sounded like you were–
– (Jacob) But he’s asking pointed questions,
that’s not small talk. – You sound like you’re his
quiet, secret gay lover who just got offended by
this person so much that you’re gonna walk away. “I don’t think he has problems
in that area at all. I gotta go!”
– Well, I’m not, but I defend– – He goes “he’s a very
sensitive lover–” – I’m sure he doesn’t
have any problems. – “I don’t know,
why don’t you “get off his dick,
you fucking loser? I gotta go buy a shirt.”
– One of Jacob’s loves of Joey Logano is to say
“I think the man is very virile.”
– There’s no goddamn way he has any problems in the sack.
– How do you know that? – You don’t know that.
– Based off of what? – He’s a champion.
– So what? He’s not a fucking horse.
– No. – Yeah.
– He’s a champion on the track and he fucks like a champ–
– So? He could be– he could be a soft boy off it. – See– see the emotional
investment in it? That’s what’s making it
hard to pivot. – Yeah, it’s not small talk.
– It’s fucking up the pivot. – You want him to be rock hard.
Yeah, you come at me, you get the fuckin’–
you get the realness. – You were supposed to help me.
– Fucking up the pivot. – We have to wrap up
a little bit early here. Tony in Los Angeles,
small talk with Big Jay? –Yo, Big Jay.
– Mm-hmm. –Hey, man, I caught your set
at the Cellar last night.
Funny shit, brother.
Hey, you know where I can get
a good slice around here?
I’m starving.
– Oh, yeah, Ben’s Pizza
around the corner by the Cellar over there. I’m gonna head there
myself later, I think, but I got a thing right now–
No, no, no, he’s engaging. (overlapping chatter) He’s bullying through.
– You were out, you were out. You had it at Ben’s and you
were supposed to cut it, but you fucking got greedy,
stayed in too long. Door closed.
– You know what it was, you were thinking about
that grandma slice, you were about
to tell him about it. – Yeah, you know what?
– You know what I mean? – Can I be honest with you?
I am bad at small talk because you’re
absolutely right. People ask me why I get caught
up in a lot of conversations because I am people pleasing.
– People-pleasing. – And I do wanna tell ’em
how great the grandma slice is. – But this is for real,
I gotta go ’cause I’m on– – Tony in Los Angeles,
thank you for your call. – I gotta end it at 7:55.
– Well, where do you gotta go? – I gotta go down
to Tom Papa’s show. I told you about it earlier.
But listen, I’ma see you tomorrow, okay?
I’m gonna take off. – (footsteps sound effect) – Are they mad at us? Sure. Do we go at the company hard?
Most def. – Do we represent
the brand well? (squeaks) Yeah.
– Yeah. I… yes? – I don’t know? ♪♪ – Did I steal your lighter?
– My Comedy Works one? You’re a good man.
Let me tell you something about Big Jay Oakerson. He will give you back
your lighter when he steals it. – If I find it
away from you. – Yeah.
– If I realize I took it– – He brought me this lighter
and was like “I found your lighter”
at the Fourth of July barbe– – Buddy, I’ve had
your Giants lighter where I’ve put it in a–
no, I don’t have it now. I’m saying I’ve had it
where it was with me– it was on a weekend,
brought it back. – What a good dude.
I wouldn’t do that. – It’s good lighter etiquette.
– It’s great lighter etiquette. I would steal your shit. – This next segment brought
to you by Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A, if you’re not gay
and love chicken, it’s Chick-fil-A.
– If you’re not an abomination
towards the Lord– – You guys want it now?
– No. If you don’t believe
in the beast with two backs and love a good piece
of chicken, Chick-fil-A. – (man) Thank you.
– Chick-fil-A. Sure, we’re cool with gays, but it’s usually at
a roadside motel and we don’t tell anybody.
– Do you have a black friend you’re trying to ease
some bad news into? Chick-fil-A.
– Chick-fil-A. Heart attacks aren’t
related to cholesterol. – Yeah, they go “Black Lou,
here’s your sandwich. Also your wife wants a divorce,
you’ve been served.” – Yeah, you’ve been served
delicious Chick-fil-A. – (laughter)
I served– I serve with the paper taped
to a Chick-fil-A. – Yeah, you go “also, there’s
a Chick-fil-A sandwich.” – He goes “I have an extra
Chick-fil-A if you want that.” And he goes “dude,
I definitely want that.” “You’ve been served also.” – Also, uh, were levyin–
we’re levying your wages. Here’s some Chick-fil-A.
– You’re being garnished. – You’re being garnished.
– And you have some Chick-fil-A, though.
– But those are nuggets. So…
– So… – You’re one out of six,
you’re pretty lucky. You were pretty lucky.
– I go “so…”

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