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A Crap Guide to D&D [5th Edition] – Cleric


Now this may sound rather odd,
But sometimes the best in the squad, is the one with the cross
who can smite like a boss
by harnessing the Bitch-Slap of God. With a mace that even ogres will flee,
you’ll cast and crush things with glee. Some think they’re not strong,
and those people are wrong.
Welcome to A Crap Guide to D&D. (music) The support is someone everyone wants on their team, but nobody wants to be. Lucky for you, the cleric is like a support that decided to buy a Taser after being too fed up with being told to heal the barbarian who ran into a 1v20 encounter. Clerics are the religious fandoms in the D&D world that are so crazy into their deities that they’ve turned their fangirling power into something that can actually pack a punch. Having the same armor proficiencies as a Fighter and the self-sustaining capabilities of a Paladin that’s been juicing with unicorn hooves and Dragonborn acid. They have so many teeth-grindingly infuriating spells at their disposal on top of all that that Dungeon Masters all over the world universally agree to ban Clerics from the game so as to not make encounters absolute nightmares to give proper challenge without throwing approximately 20 black dragons at one Cleric alone to keep it balanced. Spells like “Flash Gordon”, “Buddy-Cop Weapon” and “Does My Hand Smell Bad To You” are so stupidly strong at such a low level it’s easy to forget why so many uncultured swine consider the Cleric a designated healer. Anyone who does has either never played the class or considered the Sword and Shield a viable weapon in Monster Hunter. …Wait. Unlike most other classes you pick your archetype at first level and you have oodles, canoodles, and toaster strudels to choose from. To summarize, you have Heal Bitch, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, “And My Axe”, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, “And My Axe”, Nobody Dies, Heal Bitch, Nerd, Sunburn, “And My Axe”, Nobody Dies, Nobody Cares …and a couple of more that I’m too lazy to mention. Seriously with how versatile and independently strong you can build a Cleric you can make up an entire party full of purely priests, call it “The A-men,” and bust down Tiamat’s door demanding her lunch money, and she would just build her own toilet to give herself swirlies so she wouldn’t have to endure the kind of bullying you’re about to give her. Channel Divinity gives you special limited use effects depending on your domain, and can be as dumb as Turn Undead, where the power of the gods can make a zombie run away from you like it’s regained its ability to smell and realizes you’ve been sleeping with your Jesus blanket that you haven’t washed in months, or as useful as Guiding Strike where you can choose to add 10 billion points to your attack roll so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce being whipped around on a string like a yo-yo so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce being whipped around on a string like a yo-yo strung around your pinky toe so you’ll be able to swat one fly with another fly’s deuce being whipped around on a string like a yo-yo strung around your pinky toe while blindfolded. The only downside is that you get a pitiful amount of uses, like a gym two weeks after New Year’s. And finally the most notable trait of the cleric is Divine Intervention, where if you are a good boy or girl all year praying happy thoughts and burning that Dank Dank Holy Dank Holy Kush ™ if you wish upon a star the clouds in the heavens will part in the literal gods will stop playing their game of Jenga to fix whatever dumb problems you and your party have gotten into and then avoid you for seven days debating whether or not to write you a holy restraining order after seeing you pissed your pants fangirling over your religious senpai noticing you. And now you know how to play cleric. Amen. (music)

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